


Metanoia

by TottWriter



Series: Trinacriform [1]
Category: Digimon Adventure Zero Two | Digimon Adventure 02
Genre: Adventure, Alternate Universe, Canon Divergence, Friendship, Gen, Mind Games
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-26
Updated: 2016-08-10
Packaged: 2018-04-17 08:27:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 37,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4659672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TottWriter/pseuds/TottWriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takeru is quite content living in a strange world which changes from day to day. He has Poyomon by his side, and regular visits from the quiet older children who are his friends. Then a new friend arrives - a boy his own age - which sets off a chain of events that will turn his world inside out. Just what is real, and who are his friends anyway? 02 Canon-divergence AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Burning Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> So, I'm pretty sure that most people will look at chapter one and assume that this story is a lot more AU than it actually is. Honestly, this is a result of the present tense element. I've actually plotted it out from start to finish, and if there's interest, when I reach the end I'll post a timeline of events to give some wider context (and fill in the gaps that exist thanks to our somewhat unreliable narrator).

 

> _metanoia - noun: a profound, usually spiritual, transformation; conversion._

 

* * *

 

Sometimes, Takeru dreams he is burning. There’s no fire, but he knows what burning feels like and this is it; heat racing over him, roasting him inside out until he’s screaming, screaming for it to stop, to let him go. It’s the earliest memory he has, so there’s no wonder that it returns to him at times when he sleeps. On nights like that he wakes in a cold sweat, and hopes Poyomon will have brought a friend.

Poyomon is...special. Takeru can’t explain it more than that, even if he stops and thinks about it as hard as he can. The little white blob has been his companion for as long as he can remember. His only regular company in the isolated scattering of buildings he calls home.

Home. It’s strange, really, the place where Takeru lives. Odd somehow, even if he isn’t sure why. The cottage in the middle is normal enough, although it’s almost always shrouded in mist. The fog clings to everything, making the world outside a hazy, dangerous maze. Mostly he keeps indoors, or in sight of the cottage and its outbuildings. But on the clearer days, he sometimes wanders further afield, and that’s where things start to get…confusing.

To the north is a snowy hilltop, capped with a shrine and leading on to an endless forest. Poyomon likes taking him there, although the cold means they can never stay for long. It always seems as though his friend has something to tell him, but all that comes out is the familiar “Poyo”, albeit laced with a sadness Takeru wishes he understood. He doesn’t like Poyomon being sad.

There are green fields to the west and south, and a wide lake. Once he thought he saw a rollercoaster, far off in the distance, and wondered why it looked so familiar. But when they set off to find it, it had disappeared. Things often move about like that - it’s one reason he sticks close to home, with its reassuring sameness. He doesn’t like it when the land changes. Things should stay in same place, he’s sure of it, even though he can’t remember a world which doesn’t shift at least a little from day to day.

The children Poyomon brings are what he looks forward to most. Boys and girls a few years older than him for the most part, who seem to be there when he wakes up, and who leave when he grows tired. It’s hard to keep track exactly, because of course, real memories grow fuzzy after a few days, but he thinks there are five or six of them. Maybe more. Pyomon introduces them again each time one of them comes back, but of course, all Poyomon can say is “poyo poyo”, so their names all sound the same. They never speak either, but that doesn’t matter. You don’t need to talk much to play together. You just run and explore, and laugh.

His playmates don’t visit every day, but when they do, it means he’ll have a break from the other dreams for a bit. The ones about the older boy; the dark, shadowy silhouette who sits and cries and does nothing else except make Takeru want to scream. Once it was with anger - how dare that boy come and scare him so much? And dream memories aren’t like real ones. They stick in his head instead of fading away, and if he’s not careful to distract himself, they can pop up in his thoughts even while he’s awake. But these days the dreams just make him feel sad, - and a little scared. Takeru doesn’t like remembering the crying boy. He’s not sure why, but seeing that boy in tears just seems _wrong_ , somehow. It’s easier not to think about it at all.

And then, of course, there is the man. He doesn’t visit often, but his appearance always makes Takeru feel strange. Angry and scared and curious all rolled up into one. It’s the questions. That’s the problem. All the children who visit are friends, and they simply play together, or explore the areas near the cottage. But the man just asks questions, and most of them don’t even make any sense.

“How old are you, Takeru?” he says, keeling down so the long, pale robe he wears bunches up on the floor.

Takeru rolls his eyes. “I’m eight. I told you before. Why do you keep asking me that?” He cuddles Poyomon, who has chosen that moment to leap into his arms, saying “Poyo poyo” indignantly to the man.

The man nods, as though “Poyo poyo” really means something, and sighs.

“I am sorry Poyomon. I cannot say how long.” He usually says something weird and confusing like that. Takeru just wants him to go away. Things are so much easier when he isn’t there.

“Takeru, have you thought about going home?”

Takeru laughs. “You’re really strange. I’m home already! You’re the one who’s visiting me, remember?”

The man frowns. “Can you really be happy in this place, all by yourself?”

There it is. The question Takeru hates the most. The one which makes his chest go tight for no reason at all.

“I’m not alone - I have Poyomon! And where else would I go? This is… I’ve _always_ been here. This is my home.” His head is starting to ache again. It always does when the man starts asking questions. “Why do you keep on asking me that? It just makes my head hurt and I don’t like it. Go away! Go away and leave me alone!”

He can feel the tears welling up in his head. It’s all wrong. Everything is all wrong. It shouldn’t… he shouldn’t… He presses the palms of his hands to the sides of his head and tries to squeeze the headache away. Why does the man keep doing this? It’s those questions - they make his head feel dizzy and painful, and he starts to feel exhausted - as though he’s been running around all day.

He realises something, after a while. Every time the man visits, Takeru has the burning dream again. Takeru doesn’t like the man visiting him. Not one little bit.


	2. Shy New Playmate

_The burning dream is different, this time. Before the rush of heat and pain, he hears voices. They seem familiar, even though he can’t remember ever having heard them before. It’s hard to make out what they’re saying amid the haze of the dream, but they don’t seem to agree with one another. One is harsh, and hard. Cruel. The other is thin and weedy; the voice of someone who doesn’t really expect to be listened to. Plaintively, the weedy voice protests something. Takeru hears him say that it isn’t necessary. Whatever “it” is._

_The cruel voice laughs. Someone approaches, and Takeru struggles against the bonds he suddenly realises are holding him in place. He can’t move - bands of metal are wrapped around wrists and ankles which seem oddly far-off, as though his arms and legs have been stretched. He’s pinned to a table and there are bright lights shining down from somewhere. A figure leans over him, dark hair jutting out in wild, impossible spikes. It smiles cruelly, showing its teeth._

_“You lost, Takeru,” the figure says, in the cruel voice from before. “And now you’re going to help me clear this world of all the vermin.”_

_He protests - of course he protests, he doesn’t want this figure to do whatever it is that is being planned. Somehow, without being sure why, he knows what comes next. But when he yells at the figure to stop his voice is all wrong - and for a reason he can’t explain, that seems even more frightening than the burning he’s waiting for. This dream is worse than the crying boy - it seems so real and yet it doesn’t make any sense. Takeru has never met the spiky-haired, cruel boy who laughs at him. Who reaches over with something cold and metallic which he presses against the base of his neck._

_Takeru screams. He’s burning; a rush of heat and pain that starts in his neck and billows outwards, engulfing his head and racing down his body until he feels like every inch of him is on fire. He barely hears the figure cry out in surprise, or the shift in vocal tone which accompanies the now confused demands to know what’s happening. All the while, Takeru is screaming, his body twitching and jerking as the pain in his head goes on and on. Behind tightly closed eyes his vision is awash with sparks and swirls of muddy, unpleasant colours. He feels something seep into his skin, and the burning fades to a numb darkness. Somehow, this is worse. He’s sure that if the darkness takes over completely something bad will happen. He has to fight it. Can’t let that darkness win. Can’t give up - something. Something’s missing. Part of him isn’t there. And without it, he can’t fight back. He’s lost. He’s going to die._

 

* * *

 

 

He wakes up to Poyomon’s frantic, plaintive cries, and the sound of his own terrified screams. His heart races as he clutches Poyomon close to him and sobs. It’s over. The dream is over and he’s here, safe with the friend who never leaves him.

They’ve been sat for some time, letting his hiccoughing sobs die down to sniffles, when Poyomon fidgets. Takeru loosens his grip, and watches as his friend wiggles free, then hops down onto the floor and across it to the doorway.

“Poyo poyo!”

Takeru wipes the last of the tears away on his sleeve and gets up. The dream is over now, after all, and he’s safe again. Besides, when Poyomon leads him to the door that early in the morning, it’s usually because there’s a friend to play with.

“I’m coming Poyomon!” he says, grabbing his hat as the little white blob who is his one faithful companion disappears out into the entrance hall of the cottage. The burning dream is already fading from his mind as he walks outside.

It’s a fairly clear morning, with only a thin mist clinging to the walls and trees around the cottage. Watery sunlight peeps through, lighting everything with a warm glow. A boy is sitting on the bench by the pond. His hair is dark - darker even than the boy with glasses who sometimes visits, and seems to worry about everything. Takeru is sure this is the first time he’s visited.

Then the boy turns around, and Takeru is surprised again, because even though he knows - _knows_ \- he’s never met this friend before, there’s something very familiar about him. It’s not the shy smile the boy gives him, or the nervous look in his blue eyes. It’s something else, and for a moment Takeru wonders if it’s got anything to do with his dream. After all, that was new, and now here’s a brand new friend.

But the boy who watches him nervously is nothing like the figure from his dream, and Takeru shakes his head and smiles. Dreams aren’t real, after all, and he doesn’t want to waste any time thinking about it when he has a new friend to play with.

“Poyo. Poyo poyo!”

The introduction is made, and Takeru bows. He’s not sure why, exactly, but it seems the right thing to do when you meet someone. As though he’s seen people do that before. Maybe his other friends bowed to him the first time they visited? He can’t remember now - memories don’t really stick around so well, after all.

The boy smiles, but only a little. It’s like he’s scared. This is definitely different to all his other friends - they’re happy to see him when they visit. Sometimes they even hug him before they go off and play together. He’s not sure what to do about a friend like this.

“Hello. I’m Takeru,” he says eventually. The boy nods, as though he already knows this. Takeru decides that new friends are much harder work than the regular kind. “Did you want to play?”

The boy looks surprised, but nods once more - barely, but the movement is there. He doesn’t move from the bench though, so Takeru reaches out and takes his hand, leading him to one of his favourite parts of the garden. It’s filled with crumbling walls and low, slanting trees to climb, and a few of the higher branches have swings hanging from them. A perfect playground.

It takes the boy a while - as though he’s never tried climbing trees before - but eventually they are both racing around the garden, playing and laughing. It’s always fun when friends visit. But when the light starts to change, and takes on the orange tinge which heralds the end of the day, Takeru sighs. For some reason, none of his friends ever stay past sunset.

He watches the boy, waiting for him to realise what time it is and wave goodbye, but the boy keeps on playing. Eventually, he seems to notice Takeru standing there, and walks over. This time it’s the boy who holds out his hand, and gestures to the wall which they’ve wordlessly agreed is their fort for the day.

Takeru shakes his head. “It’s going to be dark soon,” he says. “Aren’t you going to leave, like the others?”

The boy blinks, and for a moment Takeru thinks that this strange new friend is going to say something. A friend who talks? Then the boy sighs, and looks up at the sky, and just nods instead.

“Well, I’ll see you next time,” Takeru says, and smiles. “Come on Poyomon. Let’s go find something to eat!”

He waves to the boy as he walks back inside, and the boy waves back. It doesn’t even seem strange that, instead of walking off into the mist like his friends normally do, the boy simply stands there. Watching Takeru until the door closes, leaving him outside - alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand, there's Chapter Two!
> 
> The intention for this chapter is to give enough information to more or less work out what's happened - or at least to make a pretty good guess. I think I've managed to do that, but I've been wrong before in judging what people can and can't work out from the information given, so if you're still completely in the dark, please feel free to hit me up with a question or two!
> 
> There is a "what's going on" vibe in this story to an extent, but I don't want to write something _completely_ obfuscating, because that really isn't so much fun to read. There's a fine line between knowing so much that the suspense is ruined, and knowing so little that it's just confusing and off-putting, and I am open to any and all feedback if (when!) I fall either side of that line!


	3. Herald of Change

Takeru is surprised when the boy is there the next morning, too. He’s never had a friend visit two days in a row before. Poyomon hops over and looks up at him, saying “Poyo poyo?” as though he too wasn’t expecting to find him sat outside waiting. This is odd, because Poyomon _always_ knows when Takeru is going to have a friend visiting.

Still, odd or not, Takeru isn’t going to complain about having a friend around, and the boy seems only too happy to explore some different parts of the gardens. The mist doesn’t lift today, and after a while they venture inside - it’s hard to play out in the gardens when everything is damp and cold.

They take their shoes off, and place them neatly by the door. It’s funny seeing four shoes lined up there. Normally, when friends visit, the weather is nice and they play outside, or in one of the outbuildings. He doesn’t often bring anyone into the cottage itself.

The boy seems surprised and fascinated with everything. Takeru thinks it’s a great game to show him around, because he acts as though he’s never seen a home before. The cottage has always seemed boring to him - crammed higglety-pigglety with furniture, books, and knick-knacks that most certainly aren’t toys. There’s lots to see, yes, but he’s never thought that any of it is particularly interesting. Certainly the gardens are a lot more fun. Out in the fresh air, with walls and trees to climb, and new places to see on clear days when he can explore further afield.

It’s funny though, because it doesn’t take long for the boy to find a way to change all that. They move the furniture around - all those chairs and tables and cushions - and soon they have a castle to play in. With some old boxes for a boat and Poyomon for lookout they’re sailing on the lake. They don’t need many words to have fun - Takeru can talk for the both of them, and the boy can point out new things to add to their make believe world. The boy is very good at making things. He’s quiet, but he seems to know how to put them together so they don’t fall apart. Takeru is amazed that one friend can make things so different.

When evening arrives, and Poyomon reminds Takeru that it’s time to eat, the boy seems happy to join them. He doesn’t eat much, even though Takeru offers him first pick of everything. Still, the company is nice. He can’t remember any of his friends staying this late before.

When Takeru starts to yawn, the boy sighs, and puts down the umbrella he is using as a sword. There’s a wistful expression on his face as he waves goodbye and heads outside. Takeru hopes he’ll come back soon.

 

* * *

 

  _The crying boy sits in a chair, head bent low. Takeru has never seen his face. He doesn’t look up to where Takeru watches from at all - he just sits there, shoulders slumped, head hanging low, weeping. It’s quiet today; the soft, slow sobs of someone utterly broken by sorrow. Takeru wants him to stop - it’s all wrong: he shouldn’t be crying like that._

_Time passes, and the crying boy doesn’t move. He just sits there, the sound of his misery muffled slightly by the hair which hangs down over fingers pressed tightly to his head and face. All Takeru can do is watch. There’s no way to offer comfort, or ask what could possibly be so wrong. It’s a dream about watching, and it makes Takeru feel horrible inside._

_“Stop it!” he cries, although somehow he knows he can’t be heard. “Stop crying! You’re not meant to cry! Don’t, it - it’s all wrong!”_

_But the boy doesn’t even move, save for the gentle shaking of his shoulders as he weeps into his hands._

 

* * *

 

 He wakes to Poyomon’s worried face, scant inches from his own.

“Poyo poyo?” He doesn’t understand the question _exactly_ of course, but the general gist is plain.

“I’m okay,” he says, rubbing damp eyes. It’s getting light outside, but the morning is yet to fully arrive. He often wakes early after a bad dream. But that’s all it was. A dream. And he’s awake now.

“What did you want to do today, Poyomon? I wonder if it’s clear enough to go exploring!”

Anticipation of a new day and its adventures pushes the crying boy to the back of Takeru’s mind. Poyomon hasn’t hurried him out to meet a friend, so it will be just the two of them, unless the man shows up to ask more questions. All the more reason to go exploring he thinks, clambering out of bed and grabbing his hat. Poyomon hops into his outstretched arms and mutters “Poyo poyo” contentedly.

So it is with great surprise that he finds his new friend sitting outside the cottage on one of the walls. The day is clear, and the boy seems so engrossed by the view out towards the lake that he doesn’t notice Takeru’s approach at first.

“It’s you!” The boy flinches, and turns around. Takeru is surprised to see that he looks nervous again. Of course, he’s surprised to see the boy at all. No one has ever visited three days in a row before.

Poyomon hops down and bounds over to the boy, looking up at him curiously.

“Poyo poyo. Poyo?”

The boy stands up, looking out at the lake again. Something about the way he stands makes Takeru think he’s about to run away, which doesn’t make any sense at all. Why come and visit just to leave again? There’s only one reason he can think of.

“It’s okay!” he says. “We don’t have to play inside again today. If you want to explore, we can do that instead. I don’t mind what we play really. Everything’s fun when you have friends!”

He smiles broadly as the boy turns to face him again. There’s a really strange look on his face. It’s like he’s surprised. Takeru steps forwards and holds out his hand.

“So are we gonna go play? Like I said, I don’t mind going exploring, but we should probably get some food first. You coming?”

The boy takes a deep breath, and closes his eyes before taking Takeru’s hand and nodding. It’s odd, having a friend so shy. None of the others are like that. But it’s not bad. And if it means he has someone to play with every day - a new companion, like Poyomon - then shyness is nothing at all.

The boy’s shyness wears off, too, as the day goes by. They explore the lakeside, finding interesting stones and shells, and seeing how far they can throw some of the pebbles on the shore. By the time the light starts to change to the orange glow Takeru recognises as sunset, they are both laughing and smiling as though nothing could possibly go wrong. They walk back to the cottage together, taking it in turns to carry Poyomon - who falls asleep in the boy’s arms, smiling contentedly. The boy’s face lights up with wonder as he cradles Takeru’s sleeping companion. Takeru thinks he’s never seen his new friend look so happy.


	4. Intermission

After a while, Takeru stops thinking it’s strange that the boy is there every morning, waiting for him. Memories are fuzzy things, after all. It gets hard to remember when it wasn’t the three of them - Poyomon, the boy, and himself. It’s like trying to think back to when he used to be angry all the time. He’s sure it happened, but he can’t remember what it felt like any more.

The boy isn’t always the same, though. On mornings after Takeru has one of his dreams, the boy seems more shy than usual, and it takes him a while to warm up to their games again. And he always seems to wander off somewhere when Takeru’s other friends visit. Takeru doesn’t mind this. He’s never had more than one friend at a time anyway.

It’s annoying when the man visits though, because even if the questions only last a few minutes, the boy doesn’t come back for the rest of the day, and Takeru is left alone. He never used to mind being alone with Poyomon before, of course. But nowadays, it’s just not as much fun. It’s the boy who has most of the ideas, after all, and who is so good at explaining himself with mimed directions.

When the man visits again, Takeru knows what’s coming. He will have another afternoon without his new companion.

“How old are you, Takeru?” the man asks. That’s how their conversation always starts.

Takeru rolls his eyes. Even if memories get fuzzy, they’ve had this conversation enough times to burn it there in his mind permanently.

“I’m eight. I told you before,” he says, sighing. “Why do you keep asking me that?” The familiar words roll off his tongue, but his heart isn’t in the argument, not really. It’s a clear day, and he’d been hoping to go exploring with the boy.

Poyomon looks at him. “Poyo poyo,” he says, sympathy evident in his voice.

The man frowns. “Is something wrong, Takeru?”

That’s different. Takeru looks up, surprised. The man _never_ says anything different.

“You scared the boy away,” he says. “And now he won’t come back until tomorrow.”

This time it’s the man’s turn to look surprised. The expression is so different that Takeru almost wants to laugh. The man has only ever looked so serious before.

“What boy?”

“My friend,” Takeru says. “Last time you came and asked me questions, he stayed away for the whole day. And we were going to go exploring today, and now we can’t and it’s all _y_ _our_ fault.”

The man says nothing for a minute. Takeru frowns.

“Well aren’t you going to ask the other questions? Why are you acting so different?”

The man doesn’t say anything. Poyomon hops out of Takeru’s hands, and bounces over to the man, looking up at him.

“Poyo poyo. Poyo. Poyo poyo poyo!”

Takeru hasn’t heard Poyomon say so much in one go since the time he was out exploring and found a strange house in the woods, with windows that looked like eyes. The man seems surprised as well.

“Who is your new friend, Takeru?” he asks, after a moment.

Takeru shrugs. “He’s a boy like me. Only quieter. And he always hides when the others come and visit me.”

“And you enjoy spending time with this boy? This new friend?”

Takeru nods. “Why wouldn’t I? He’s my friend. That’s what friends are _for_ , aren’t they?”

After that, the man doesn’t ask about going “home” when he visits. Takeru is relieved, but he still wishes the man would stop coming back. The boy never does stay around when he or the others visit.

The period of change seems to be over. Takeru settles well into his new routine. Poyomon is there when he wakes, to wish him a “poyo poyo” or to console him after a bad dream. They venture out into the rest of the cottage. Sometimes Takeru thinks he sees movement, as though the boy has been inside all night too. But he never catches him, and of course, the boy doesn’t talk, so he can’t ask.

On mornings where Takeru has had a bad dream - and moreso after the burning dreams - the boy is shy once more. Takeru wonders if it’s because he’s quiet as well on those days, to start with. But after a while, the dreams always fade from his mind again, and the boy cheers up, and they have fun exploring, or making castles, or chasing each other around the gardens. Takeru is sure he’s never been happier.

When his other friends come to play, sometimes Takeru wonders where the boy is. His other friends don’t have the same good ideas, and they don’t remember old games. Each time they visit he has to remind them how to do things. He doesn’t mind, but playing with the boy is certainly a lot easier.

And then one day, Takeru wakes up, cuddles Poyomon, and walks out of the cottage to find that the boy has gone.

At first, he thinks the man will be visiting, but as the day goes by, and no one comes, he starts to feel confused. The boy comes _every_ day. He’s always there, unless another friend visits, and even then, sometimes Takeru will see something move out of the corner of his eye that might just be the boy, watching him.

He spends the day searching the house.

“Come out come out wherever you are!” he calls into every room. Into every barn. From every vantage point in the slightly misty world outside the cottage. Poyomon sits atop his head, crying “Poyo poyyyoooo!”, as though he really wants to find the boy as well.

By the end of the day, Takeru is tired, and a little cold. And for the first time he can remember, he feels lonely too. Where did the boy go?

He makes his way to his room having picked at his dinner, and clambers into the nest of blankets and cushions which is his bed. Maybe today has just been a mistake. Surely the boy will come back tomorrow?

By the third morning, Takeru starts to wonder if the boy will _ever_ come back. His friend for the day - the girl with red hair who’s really good at soccer - tries to comfort him. But Takeru doesn’t know how to explain what’s wrong, and as she can’t talk, there’s not much that she can do to comfort him anyway. In the end, the girl sighs and leaves early, walking off into the desert which has appeared to the west.

Takeru dreams of the crying boy that night. When he wakes, eyes filled with tears of his own, Poyomon cuddles close to him. Where did his other friend go? Why won’t he come back and play some more?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here we have chapter four! It's structured a little differently to the others, because it has to encompass a lot of time in not a lot of words. Hopefully that was conveyed properly. I'm not ever going to specify _exactly_ how much time has passed (I have enough of that level of detail in Hope's Fire), but you can safely assume it was a month or two. Of course, given that Takeru's memories are not all that solid, it sort of merges into "almost forever".
> 
> As always, feedback is very welcome! The information tease will start to let up from the next chapter, too. When I started thinking about this fic, I had originally planned for this to all fit into just two chapters, but alas, I am not a skilled enough wordsmith to condense everything which needed to be there into so few words. So. The main story will begin with Chapter Five!


	5. New Old Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter turned out a little longer than the previous ones, which is something I was expecting. I'm not sure how long they'll get, but I am intentionally keeping them short-ish. I think it works better with the immediate style, and it also means that I can write them a lot faster. I want to get this story written, because I have it (mostly) all planned out already, and I am aware that right now, not everything makes sense. Answers are coming though, I promise! (And of course, if there's anything too confusing about this chapter, just send me a PM and I will try to clarify a little

Takeru is slow to wake. Poyomon is calling, but he’s tired. The burning dream came again last night and his mind hasn’t quite let go of the numb darkness which clings to him, shrouding the world in fog. Everything has been foggy since the boy left. It’s all wrong, and slow, and… _different_. Takeru doesn’t think he likes different any more.

He brightens a little once he’s out of bed though. Poyomon is hopping up and down in that excited way which can only mean a friend has come to visit. Maybe the boy has come back? He grabs his hat and rubs the last of the sleep from his eyes, scooping his small friend into his arms so they can move faster. Excited as he seems, Poyomon is only little, after all.

But no one is waiting outside for him, that he can see. The wall outside the cottage’s front door is empty, and the mists curl around it, half hiding it from sight.

“Poyomon, I thought you’d brought a friend,” Takeru says, his shoulders sagging. “But there’s no one here.”

The watery sunlight peeks through the mist. It’s later in the morning than Takeru usually wakes up, and he’s hungry. In his excitement, he realises, he’s forgotten to have breakfast. Sighing, he turns around.

“Come on Poyomon. Let’s go find something to eat.”

Poyomon seems to be interested in something that Takeru can’t see. All through their late breakfast he keeps looking out through the windows, or over at the door. It even brings a smile to Takeru’s quiet face to see his friend hopping up and down with obvious frustration and impatience. He catches himself wishing Poyomon could say something other than “poyo poyo” and explain what’s made him so excited.

At last they make their way outside again. Despite the mist, Takeru doesn’t like playing inside any more. It’s just not the same without his new friend there. The maze of rooms and obstacles was tamed as a trio, and with just a boy and his Poyomon, the rooms are too big and quiet.

Rather than visit the garden of walls and swings, Takeru wanders over to the pond. The fish swim quietly in the water, darting to the surface now and then to swallow the tiny scraps he throws for them. He doesn’t feed the fish often - for some reason it always makes him feel like something is missing. But today, something _is_ missing, so in a sort of backwards way it feels appropriate.

Seated cross-legged by the pond, he doesn’t really think about the sun as it moves across the sky. It’s a slow day, with just the shrinking pile of crumbs and food scraps in a bowl, and the fish darting in and out of sight. Poyomon sits in his lap, poyoing softly now and then. He’s not sure how long he sits there, but it’s enough for his legs to go stiff, for when Poyomon suddenly hops out of his lap and bounds away, he almost falls over trying to get to his feet.

“Poyomon, wait!” he cries, as his friend disappears into the mist. “Don’t leave me as well!”

“Poyo poyo!” comes the reply from somewhere up ahead. Takeru chases after him, almost tripping over his own toes. Poyomon has never run off into the mist like this. What’s going on?

He almost crashes into his companion in the end, for Poyomon has stopped right in the middle of the path, staring out into the mists surrounding the gardens. Takeru crouches down beside his friend and holds his hands out for Poyomon to hop onto.

“ _Here_ you are,” he says. “Why did you run off like that?”

Poyomon doesn’t move. He’s still staring out into the mists. Watching something. Takeru turns to see what has captured his friend’s interest, and gapes.

There’s a _girl_ out there, walking slowly towards the cottage and looking around at everything. She’s the same age as him, too, with straight brown hair and brown eyes. A new friend? Takeru wonders what she’s doing here. He’s never had a friend arrive so late in the day. Come to think of it, aside from the man, he’s never seen anyone _arrive_ at all. They’re always here already when he wakes up. Where did she come from?

She doesn’t seem to see him at first, crouched low on the ground waiting for Poyomon to hop onto his waiting hands. Eventually, he picks his friend up and stands once more. The movement seems to draw her attention and she looks his way.

He blinks. He’s sure that the girl is a new friend - he certainly doesn’t remember playing with her before - but there’s something very familiar about her, too. He frowns, trying to think. For some reason, his mind returns to the boy - didn’t he feel the same way on that morning when his now absent friend first appeared? Maybe. He’s not sure any more.

“Takeru!”

His jaw drops, and he takes a step backward. The girl _talks_? None of the friends who visit have ever talked before. It’s yet another thing that’s strange and new. Takeru feels his legs going all wobbly. Who is this girl, and why is she so different? He takes another step back, and is about to run when Poyomon leaps from his hands and bounds towards her, saying “Poyo poyo poyo!” excitedly.

“Poyomon, come back!” he cries. What if this strange girl leaves, and takes Poyomon with her? He can’t risk that. Without thinking, he chases after his friend, snatching him up before he can reach the girl.

“Poyo! Poyo poyo!”

“Don’t scare me like that,” he tells his friend. “You could get lost out here. It’s too misty.”

“Takeru?” the girl says, taking a step closer. He looks up, holding his partner tightly.

Right. He’s forgetting his manners. Maybe that’s what Poyomon was trying to say?

“Hello,” he says, bowing. “My name’s Takeru. Only I guess you already know that. That’s really strange. I never had a friend who talked before.”

The girl just stares at him. Poyomon doesn’t say anything either, which is odd because Poyomon normally leads the introductions.

“Well, did you want to come and play?” he asks after a moment. “I was feeding the fish with Poyomon but we can do something else if you like. Come on, I’ll show you around!”

He takes a step back, towards the house, then stops and frowns when the girl doesn’t follow.

“What’s the matter? Don’t you want to play? Or did you forget how to talk again? That’s okay. None of the others talk, so I don’t really mind.”

Normally, this much talking at a friend would be enough for them to smile and follow him, but the girl just stands there, looking at him in the strangest way. Why did she even come to visit if she’s not going to do anything? Nothing about this girl fits with how the world works, and it makes Takeru’s head hurt trying to understand it all. Part of him wants to run over and grab her hand, and show her all his favourite places, but a larger part just wants to know who she is, and why she has appeared to make things different again, when all he wants is for everything to go back to normal.

“Takeru, do you know who I am?” she says at last.

She really _can_ talk, just like the man does! Takeru is so excited that he doesn’t even listen to her question.

“Come on!” he calls. “I’ll show you the place with the walls and the swings - that’s the best bit of the gardens. It’s a shame it’s too misty to go exploring, really. Or did you want to have a look in the barns? I haven’t been in there in a long time and I can’t remember what’s inside, so that could be exciting. Or there’s always the woody bit, if you don’t mind getting kinda muddy. Come on! It’s almost lunchtime already, and then the day will be over and you’ll have to go and we won’t have done everything.”

“Takeru, wait!” the girl calls. “What are you talking about?”

He feels his excitement draining away. “Didn’t you come to play, like the others?” he asks. Something occurs to him. “Oh. Wait. You can talk… so you’re like the man. Not one of my friends. You’re just here to ask me questions, aren’t you.”

Poyomon fidgets. He looks down at his faithful companion, who poyos softly at him. When he looks up, he suddenly realises that the girl is _upset_ about something. Her eyes are turning all red and watery, and her shoulders have slumped.

“Are you sad?” he asks, before remembering that the girl can do more than nod or shake her head. He doesn’t have to stick to simple questions. “I mean… _why_ are you sad?”

The girl takes a breath, as though she’s about to say something, and then sighs. “It’s nothing,” she says. “I’m okay.” As though to prove this, she wipes her eyes and smiles at him.

It’s not the most convincing of smiles, but she’s _talking_ , and she told him she’s okay, so that has to mean she is, right? Why would she say words that aren’t true?

“So, are you here to be my friend?” he asks.

“Of course I’m your friend!” she says. “Don’t you… Takeru, do you recognise me at all?”

He frowns, thinking hard. There _is_ something familiar about her, after all.

“I don’t think so,” he says at last, and shrugs. “Why, have I met you before? What’s your name?” This is an exciting question. He’s never been able to find out the names of his friends. It’s something of a disappointment when the girl gets that sad look in her eyes again, and looks away instead of answering.

“Yes,” she says at last. “We have met before. We… we met a long time ago. I guess you don’t remember that though.”


	6. Quest's Catalyst

Takeru doesn’t understand his new friend. She can talk, but she hardly says anything. She’s his friend, but she doesn’t seem interested in playing any games. And she has a _name_ \- something he could call her other than “the girl” - but she won’t tell him what it is. All she says is that he already knows her name, which is silly, because this is the first time she’s visited.

The girl is different. Takeru still doesn’t think he likes different. She’s certainly not as much fun as the boy, with his clever ideas. They stand awkwardly by the fish pond, watching the glints of silver and gold beneath the surface. She seems distracted. Well, that’s normal enough. Takeru often feels a little strange by the pond. Maybe he should take her into the cottage, and show her the table and chair fort he and the boy made together. Surely _anyone_ would be interested in playing there.

He feels a twinge of sadness as he remembers his friend. Has the girl come to replace him? It’s a thought which occupies his mind as he leads the way to the cottage door. He hardly notices the girl staring at their surroundings, as he busily lists all the things there are to do.

Memories resurface again as their four shoes are placed neatly by the door. There’s only one other person he remembers doing this with. He wonders if the girl has memories, too. It’s something he’s never thought of before. All his friends seem so content simply to play, and don’t even seem to mind that they can’t talk. He’s fairly sure the boy had memories though. They used to continue games from one day to another, after all.

Suddenly, it hits him that this girl is _different_. He can ask her things! It’s not like his other friends, where he has to talk for both of them. He falls silent as he wonders how to ask the questions in his head. It’s surprising how hard it is. After all, he can’t remember asking questions which need more than a nod or shake of the head to answer.

He turns around, and finds that she’s staring at him. This is such a familiar expression that the question is out of his mouth before he can even think about it:

“Did you come to be my new friend because the boy is gone?”

The look on the girl’s face turns from one of curiosity to out and out shock.

“What?” she says, eyes going wide.

“The boy,” he replies. “He used to be here every day, almost. But he went away, and it’s just not the same with only Poyomon. None of my other friends are as good at thinking of games to play. I have to explain things to them every time.”

“Where did he go?” she asks, taking a step forward. “And what did he look like?”

Takeru frowns. It’s hard to remember details. Besides, he’s _the boy_ \- does it matter what he looks like? Poyomon hops up and down in his hands, saying “poyo poyo!”. That’s usually a sign his friend thinks something is important. Well. If Poyomon thinks it matters, he will try and remember.

“Well. He had…dark hair? It’s darker than anyone else’s. And his eyes are blue. Not blue like the sky though. A different kind. Oh, and he gets shy in the mornings, especially when I have bad dreams, and he’s really good at making things out of other things. We have a lot of fun, don’t we Poyomon?”

Poyomon leans forward quickly in the gesture that is his version of nodding. “Poyo,” he says.

“But I don’t know where he went,” Takeru adds. “I just woke up one morning and he wasn’t waiting for me outside. And me and Poyomon looked _everywhere_.”

He shrugs. There’s not much he can do, after all. The girl doesn’t move, or say anything. It looks like she’s thinking. Takeru isn’t sure why, though. He’s explained everything already.

“So did you want to see the castle we made?” he asks. “It’s really fun. Come on, it’s this way!”

He grabs the girl’s hand and pulls. Instead of following, though, she tugs her hand free and stares at him. She looks kinda cross, too.

“Don’t you care what happened to him?” she asks, putting her hands on her hips. “How can you just go and play a game as though nothing happened? You’re being so selfish!”

Something about the way she talks makes him feel weird. It’s a little bit like when the man asks him about going home, only his head doesn’t hurt, exactly. It’s more like something is squeezing it. Pressing on the back of his skull. Not painful, no. But not comfortable either.

“What are you talking about?” he asks, when the throbbing fades. “Nothing _did_ happen.”

“But that boy’s your friend, and now he’s _missing_!” she cries.

“Friends always go away and then come back,” he says irritably. “That’s just how things are. It’s how things have always worked. The only thing that’s different here is _you_.”

He’s getting a little cross now. This girl _is_ different, and Takeru doesn’t like that. Doesn’t like when things change. Change makes his head ache, after all. He’s just about to tell her to go away if she’s not going to do things properly, when Poyomon leaps out of his hands and hops across the floor towards her, saying: “poyo poyo!”

The girl reaches out her hands, and Poyomon leaps into them. He turns to face Takeru, and nods, small face perfectly serious.

“Poyo? Poyo poyo.” There’s something in the way he talks that makes it seem as though he agrees with what the girl said.

It’s all wrong. Poyomon _never_ disagrees with Takeru. Why is he taking her side? Suddenly, all the little changes which started on that morning when the boy arrived seem to add up and crowd into his mind, overwhelming him. His head hurts so much that he can hardly keep his eyes open. Thoughts and feelings all jumble together, but among the mess of emotions, Takeru is sure that this girl being angry at him is something he really doesn’t want.

At last his headache fades, and he opens his eyes to see that the girl is still watching him. She doesn’t seem angry or cross any more though. And Poyomon has hopped to the floor, and is waiting for him.

“Poyo poyo?” he asks, as Takeru looks at him. Something about the look on his small friend’s face makes his meaning clear.

“I’m okay Poyomon,” he says, and holds out his hands. He hugs Poyomon tightly, forgetting about the girl for a moment while he reassures himself that the headache has gone and he’s all back to normal.

“Takeru, what was that? It… you were holding your head and crying.”

The girl sounds confused. Takeru just shrugs. It’s all finished now, so what does it matter?

“Sometimes I get headaches,” he says. He’s about to ask her what she wants to play, when suddenly he catches himself. It’s what he would normally do. What he wants to do, so that he can forget all about the headache, and wondering where the boy is, and why the girl is different. A large part of him really thinks he should just forget all about these changes and get on with life. Isn’t that what he’s always done? And yet for some reason, he can’t quite manage to get the words out. There’s another feeling inside him. A strange one, that he can’t quite place - and yet it seems oddly familiar. A feeling that he should be _doing_ something.

He’s not sure what the “something” is, or why it suddenly seems so important to him. But he’s reasonably sure it has something to do with the girl.

“So,” he says at last, pushing down a last urge to tell this girl to go away so everything can return to normal. “What do you think we should do, then?”

For the first time since she walked out of the mist, the girl _really_ smiles. It’s not just with her mouth, like when she smiled before - her whole face lights up this time.

“We should go look for him, of course!” she says.

Takeru frowns. He hadn’t been expecting that. “But I already looked everywhere,” he says. “I told you that.”

She shakes her head. “You only looked in the cottage and the gardens. What about the rest of the world?”

He feels as though he’s on stronger ground here. “He can’t be out there. It’s too… It changes. Most of it doesn’t stay still, and you can get lost real easy if you go too far. It’s not safe to leave the garden unless it’s a clear day, right Poyomon?”

Poyomon nods once, but doesn’t say anything. For some reason, this doesn’t seem to discourage the girl, who turns around and starts heading for the door.

“Where are you going?” he asks.

“To look for that boy,” she says, turning to look at him.

She fixes her eyes on him, and there’s a look of determination he’s just _sure_ he recognises, although he doesn’t see how that’s possible. She waits a moment, then leaves the room. Takeru follows her to the door, and watches in surprise as she starts putting her shoes on again.

“But you only just got here,” he says.

“Well, this is important,” she replies. “Sometimes there are things you just have to do. Are you going to come with me?”

“What if we get lost and can’t find our way back?”

She smiles again, although it’s a sadder smile than the last one. Suddenly, she seems _older_ somehow. “Then you have a choice, Takeru. You can stay here, where everything is safe and familiar. Or you can go with me, and see if we can find your friend.”

He stares at her while she finishes tying her shoelaces and stands up.

“There’s a lot of world out there to see, Takeru,” she says. “Lots of new places. New _people_. And maybe some familiar ones too. I can’t promise it will be safe and happy, like this place. It might be scary, or sad, or dangerous. But I can promise that you won’t be alone.”

Takeru’s head feels all strange again. The pressure is back; that strange feeling as though something is squeezing his skull. But there’s something about what the girl has said. Something about her voice. The more she talks, the more familiar it sounds, and the more he finds himself trusting her. After a minute he nods.

“Wait here. I’m going to get my bag!” he says, and runs to his bedroom. The bag is tucked next to his bed, and he grabs it, looking around his room to see if there’s anything he wants to take with him. He finds a few knick-knacks, and then goes and gets some chocolate in case he gets hungry, before rushing back to the door where Poyomon is waiting with the girl.

A few minutes later, they are standing at the gate to the garden, looking out into the mist. It’s hard to see very far, but he thinks there’s a forest out there today. It almost looks like a jungle, with wide leaves and large flowers.

He looks back at the cottage. At his home - the only place he can ever remember being. At the gardens where his friends play with him. What if he really _does_ get lost? He doesn’t like change, after all; he’s never gone on an adventure before. Not a _real_ one, anyway. It’s hard, choosing to go. Especially as there’s a part of him, somewhere inside, that doesn’t think things will ever be the same again if he leaves now.

The girl is watching him again when he turns round again.

“Sometimes we have to leave things behind to find what’s really important,” she says, as though she’s been reading his mind.

Takeru nods. He’s still not really sure that this is a good idea, but he trusts her. After all, she said she was his friend. And she promised he wouldn’t be alone - and promises are important. Takeru doesn’t quite understand why he’s so sure about that fact, but the more he thinks about it, the surer he gets. As they walk out into the mist, and the cottage fades from view, Takeru makes a silent promise of his own. He’s going to find the boy. Because standing there, next to the girl and with Poyomon in his hands, he just _know_  that it’s what friends are supposed to do. Even if it’s hard, they find each other. And look out for each other. And… well he’s not sure on the last part, although he knows there’s something else. Something he’s still missing. But they’re on an adventure now, a _real_ one. Maybe they can find what he’s missing too.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this took a looong time to write. I'm not entirely happy with the transition from the first half of the chapter to the second, but I think I've reached saturation point. Any more staring at it and tweaking is just going to make it _worse_ , not better. 
> 
> As always, I would love to know what everyone thinks of the story so far. The "introduction" stage is officially over now, so if you have any lingering questions about the setup, feel free to ask!


	7. In The Woods

****

They haven’t been walking down the narrow path in the trees for long before Takeru realises he’s not sure which way the cottage is any more. They’ve lost the path, amid the sparse undergrowth of the forest, and the branches overhead cover the sun. He stops, and turns around and around, trying to work out which way they took to get here.

The girl rests a hand on his shoulder.

“What’s wrong, Takeru?” she says.

“We’re lost,” he says, feeling the prickle of imminent tears. “We only just left and we’re lost already.”

Poyomon hops up and down in his hands, poyoing softly. The girl nods.

“Poyomon’s right,” she says.

He looks at her, frowning. “You can understand him?”

“Well, not _exactly_ \- at the moment at least - but his meaning’s pretty clear. We shouldn’t just give up and panic. You can’t lose-” She stops abruptly, and looks away, closing her eyes. “…You need to keep going.”

Takeru is a little confused by the way she talks, but it does sort of make sense. Even if she seemed to take her a little while to think of what she wanted to say. He wonders if she used to not talk, and is still getting used to how to make the words work. Maybe his other friends will talk the next time he sees them. That would be interesting, to have friends who talk. What if the boy could? The boy.

“I guess the boy is lost as well,” he says after a moment’s thought. “We’re all lost apart at the moment, so now we just need to be lost together, and then we can find a way home and not be lost at all.” He smiles. It sounds a lot easier when he puts it like that.

They start walking again, and after a while Takeru realises that the mist and fog seems thinner than it had been. Certainly he can see further into the forest around them. Amongst the tree trucks are metal poles with signs on them, all higgledy-piggledy. He stares at them as he walks along, wondering if all forests have signs in them - and then wonders how he knows they’re signs, when he’s sure he’s never seen anything like them before. There’s definitely something very odd about all of this. The back of his head throbs dully; not enough to hurt, but enough that he is aware of it as he walks along.

He catches the girl watching him. Little glances, now and then as they walk along. It’s like she’s waiting for something, but what?

Takeru doesn’t really think about asking her why she’s looking at him. After all, he’s looking at her too, trying to work out if he really _has_ met her before, like she says he has. He still can’t remember anything like that. There’s a general familiarity about her, of course, but then, maybe all new people are like that anyway. Or maybe he only met her once or twice, and that’s why he doesn’t remember. Memories are tricky like that. They go all blurry, and mostly they fade away completely within a few days. Already he can’t really remember what the boy looks like, exactly. Or any of his other friends, for that matter. But then, he also knows that when he sees them again he _will_ remember. And with the girl, he didn’t. It’s all very confusing.

They stop as the light begins to fade from amongst the trees. Takeru starts to get worried - he’s never been outside at night before. But the girl seems calm and confident, although she sighs a little as they sit down in a V-shaped hollow between some tree roots.

“I wish we had a fire,” she says ruefully. “I don’t suppose you have any matches in that bag of yours? We don’t have Agumon with us. Or even Gabumon or Piyomon.”

Takeru frowns. “Who?” he asks, although the names - and he’s sure they _are_ names - seem to dance on the edges of his mind. Enough that he feels a little silly for having asked, especially as the girl simply stares at him.

“Oh, Takeru,” she says with a sigh, and looks down at the leaves they’ve gathered to make their hollow softer. “Never mind.”

“Are they…your friends?” he asks. It’s strange to imagine the girl having friends he doesn’t know. Strange and wrong. Or maybe that’s just the throbbing in his head again, making him tired and a little confused. It hasn’t stopped since the fog began to lift, after all. It’s hard for anything to be right while his head just aches.

She smiles, although it’s another one of the sad smiles. “Yes, they’re my friends,” she says softly.

Poyomon hops over to her, and nudges her arm with the top of his head. “Poyo poyo.” He sounds a little sad, and Takeru frowns again before looking through the things he grabbed from his room. There aren’t matches, but he pulls out some of the chocolate. It’s definitely past the time when he normally has dinner, and he’s _hungry_. After sharing it between them, they settle down in the leaves and try to get some sleep.

 

* * *

 

_It’s the burning dream. He knows it, even before the pain begins. Before he even starts to struggle, vainly tugging against the metal bands which prevent him from moving. There are no voices this time, just the spiky haired figure which looms over him and presses something both cold and burning against his neck._

_The pain starts to grow where it is pressed against him, and then spreads, a wave of fire rolling out across his body. He screams, loudly at first, and then his voice runs out and everything turns to silence, as cold numbness seeps into his skin, chilling what had been aflame only moments before. But this time, before the numbness settles over his mind, amid the fog clouding his thoughts, images appear._

_A giant black hand reaches out for him. He looks out over a wide lake at sunset, alone. He’s huddled down behind someone taller, while voices cry out in pain. He falls through the air beside the girl, both plummeting towards a rocky ground. He sinks below the surface of the water as the world turns dark. A strangely familiar white figure, high in the sky above, slowly dissolves before his eyes._

_Takeru wants to scream, with fear and pain and sadness. Everything is darkness. Everything is despair. There is no-_  
  


* * *

 

“Takeru!” The girl’s voice breaks through the numbness. “Takeru, please! Wake up!”

His eyes open to a face not far from his, made shadowy by the gloom around him. He flinches, and Poyomon squeaks, hopping into view. The face moves back, and Takeru realises it’s the girl, and not a monster. That her hair is smooth, not spiky. That he can feel each leaf he is lying on, with no numbness anywhere. That his eyes are filled with tears which overflow when he blinks.

He clings to Poyomon, as he always does after the burning dreams, and sobs. Everything is too different. This place where he is sleeping; a friend who doesn’t leave at night; even the burning dream has changed again. The images play through his mind over and over again, as vivid as though he were still asleep and dreaming them.

And the girl. She was there. His breathing calmer, he sees it clearly in his mind. She was there, falling through the sky with him in the dream. He looks up, eyes wide, to see that she’s watching him again.

“I saw you,” he says at last, once he’s sure he can talk. “You were in the burning dream. None of my friends were ever in my dreams before.”

The girl stares at him, the whites of her eyes almost shining in the gloom. “Burning dream?” she asks, hesitantly.

Takeru cuddles Poyomon tighter, and nods. “I get them sometimes,” he mumbles.

“Bad dreams? Nightmares?”

He nods once. “It’s okay though,” he says - more to Poyomon than the girl, really. “They’re not real. I don’t have to think about bad dreams when I’m awake.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! This chapter was surprisingly hard to write. Deciding which "images" to use for Takeru's dream was quite tricky as well. Hopefully they're recogniseable enough - although I think at least one will be quite tricky. Props to anyone who works them all out!


	8. Unfamiliar Surroundings

It's the first time anyone has ever woken him in the middle of the night. So he finds it very strange to be going back to sleep again without really getting up. Takeru is just about convinced that he will never manage it when suddenly the girl is gently shaking his shoulder, telling him to wake. He opens his eyes to see the gloom of the night replaced by daylight.

The girl looks worried. As he sits up, Takeru realises why. The light isn't the only thing to have changed.

When they went to sleep, they had been surrounded by trees. Now, they are on a lakeshore. There are trees nearby, but his leaf bed is laid out on sand, and in front of him as he sits up is water. Poyomon hops up and down excitedly, crying "Poyo poyo!" over and over.

Takeru can only stare, slowly getting to his feet without taking his eyes off the sight. Out in the lake is a barren island. In the middle of it is… he's sure there's a name for it, but it dances on the edge of his mind, ever so slightly out of reach. Either way, it's a white box with windows and a door, and green stripes running horizontally along the sides. He thinks he can see wheels underneath and something sticking out of the top, but it's hard to tell at this distance.

Takeru isn't sure how long he stands there, staring at the strange thing on the island. His head is throbbing but he's only half aware of that, because somewhere on the edges of his mind he's starting to think he's seen all this before. Except, that doesn't make any sense because he's never  _been_  here. The longer he stares, the worse the throbbing in his head gets. It turns to a headache; an awful, eye-watering headache which makes him close his eyes and squeeze his head with his hands, trying to push the pain away. He feels dizzy, too.

Poyomon is calling to him from somewhere nearby, but he can hardly hear his partner's voice past the ringing pain. His eyes open, but instead of the beach with the island, all he can see is starlit water, with a forested shore beyond it. In front of him, a giant sea monster rears up out of the water, behind two small figures. It bats one into the air, and then he's screaming, because then the second figure is pulled underwater, and it's the worst thing ever and it's all his fault-

" _Takeru_!"

Hands - real hands - grab his shoulders and shake him. The pain in his head grows less, and the starlit lake vanishes, to be replaced with two brown eyes scant inches from his face. He blinks and takes a few steps back; almost tripping over something which is probably Poyomon, to judge from the squeak of protest. His breath is short and sharp. It feels as though he's just run a lap of the cottage's gardens.

He looks around sharply. The lake is back to how it was scant moments before - it's daytime, and the sun is shining on a quiet shore, fringed with forest. Out in the middle of the lake, the trolley car sits motionless, exactly as it was when he woke up.

The girl is watching him, her face a mask of concern. His knees wobble and he sits down hard on the ground, breathing heavily. Poyomon hops over and lands in his lap, pressing his small head against Takeru's stomach. He holds his friend tightly, and watches as the girl walks over and kneels down beside him.

"Takeru, are you okay? You looked… I called your name but you didn't seem to hear me. What happened?"

He closes his eyes and rubs his face. Maybe this all happened because he got woken up in the night. He's never had to sleep twice in one night before - perhaps his dreams got confused as well, and that's why it happened after he woke up? After all, it had to be a dream. He's never been to this place before. He's never even  _seen_  a… He frowns. It's a trolley car. Takeru is pretty sure that he has never seen one before, but that doesn't really explain why he suddenly knows what it is, when he was so sure he didn't before that flash.

"What is that thing?" he asks the girl. After all, maybe he's wrong.

She turns and looks at it for a second, frowning, before returning her attention to him. "You don't remember?"

Poyomon turns in his lap to stare at him. For a moment, Takeru alternates between looking at them both in turn, before scooting Poyomon out of his lap and shuffling backwards.

"What are you talking about?" he says, getting to his feet. "And why do you keep looking at me like that? You were doing it before, too. Just staring at me… it's all wrong, and I don't  _understand_!"

His hands are clenched into fists and part of him wants to lash out at something -  _anything_. He's gone from understanding life perfectly to feeling as though he doesn't know what's going on at all, and he hates it. Worst of all, there's a part of him which feels stupid; as though he really should know who this girl is, and where they are, and countless other things which he can't quite put into words.

The girl is staring open-mouthed, now. Poyomon turns to her, and says "Poyo. Poyo poyo poyo," in such a soft and mournful voice that Takeru wants to pick up his friend and hug him. Why is Poyomon so sad all of a sudden?

The girl looks down, and sighs.

"I'm sorry, Takeru," she says. "I shouldn't… I don't mean to make you feel so confused. Right now we just need to focus on finding that boy, okay?"

He frowns, folding his arms. "Why do you care so much? You've never even met him. He's  _my_  friend."

"Poyo poyo!" Poyomon says sharply. Takeru looks down. That's the second time he's felt as though Poyomon is scolding him. And both times have been since the girl appeared. Takeru starts to wonder if she really can be a friend after all. Ever since she arrived, everything has been different. He's not even really sure why he followed her any more. How are they supposed to find the boy if they don't even know where they are?

When he looks up, the girl is watching him, with the same faraway expression she often seems to have. It's as though she's sad about something.

"I know that boy too, Takeru," she says at last, slowly and carefully.

"You're friends with the boy as well?" he asks, surprised. "But he always plays with  _me_."

The girl frowns and looks away. "Well, no. It's… he's not a  _friend_ , exactly. But I am worried about him, all the same. You don't have to be friends with someone to care what happens to them. And we… I mean,  _I_  think he might be in trouble. So it's very important that we keep looking."

Takeru frowns. "But how do you know that?" Questions are amazing things. As much as he is a little worried about the boy now, he has to admit that it's fun asking them. Maybe that's why the man always does. It's certainly a lot more interesting than talking to someone who can't talk back.

The girl shakes her head. "I'm not sure that I can explain properly right now. But part of the reason I know is that he wasn't with you." She looks up at the sky. "We should get moving, really. We'll need to look for something to eat."

He blinks. " _Find_  food? You mean you don't know where it is?"

There's a short silence while the girl stares at him again. Takeru thinks it must be her favourite thing to do.

"Takeru, you've been living on your own all this time. How have you been eating?" She speaks slowly and carefully, as though she's not sure he'll understand her.

He folds his arms, a little annoyed at her tone of voice. He's not  _stupid_. "There's food in the kitchen at the cottage," he says. "That's what kitchens are  _for_."

"Yes, but how does it get there?" Now she sounds as frustrated as he feels.

Takeru is suddenly struck by how interesting it is, that talking means you can sometimes tell what another person's feelings are. He's never really thought much about how other people feel before. He's never really had any  _reason_  to, after all. His friends come for visits to entertain him, but they don't ever talk or have ideas of their own. The thought strikes him that the boy had ideas. Does that mean that he has feelings and thoughts as well? If that's the case, what were they? What are they  _now_?

He realises that the girl is still waiting for an answer. "It's just always there," he says with a shrug. "Isn't that how things work?"

She sighs. "No. Not normally. And I don't think it's going to be that simple out here. The world isn't all like the cottage." Looking up at the sky, she adds: "We should get going. Did you want to take a look at the island before we move on?"

This time there is no flash in front of his eyes, no strange vision when he turns back to the island and the trolley car. It's just silent, and still. Takeru frowns. Something about it pulls at him; a strange urge to go and get a closer look at the trolley car. To sit inside it, on the seats he is certain will be there. He's not sure he likes that feeling. There are too many odd new things happening. Too many different feelings he doesn't understand.

"No," he says at last, pushing those uncomfortable thoughts from his mind. "Like you said. We need to find food. And the boy. We should go."

He kneels down to pick up his bag, and after dusting off the sand, slips it onto his back. Poyomon is sat facing the lake. He poyos sadly as Takeru picks him up and follows the girl along the shore and into the woods again. Takeru tells himself that his friend is just hungry, and tries to ignore the feeling that he's doing something wrong again.

It isn't easy at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this chapter was fun to write, because I am a dreadful tease. I was sorely tempted to just leave that mention of the trolley car alone and not refer to it, but I had a feeling that if I did so, it wouldn't be obvious enough what happened. This has already started turning into a much longer fic than I had originally intended, and if the pacing slowed so that I could drip things into the text like that, it would start to get even longer.
> 
> So, I made a conscious decision to pick up the pace a little and have Takeru notice the discrepancy in his thoughts. I will admit, it also occurred to me that people might think I just made a mistake, or was using descriptive shorthand by calling it a trolley car when I had previously indicated that he didn't know what it was. I wanted it to be clear that, no, he didn't know what it was, and now he does, but he doesn't know how. (And that is weirding him out somewhat.)


	9. Friendly Feelings

The mist closes in on them as they walk through the trees. It's only really when it gets so thick that he and the girl have to walk closer together that Takeru remembers it was a perfectly clear morning while they were by the lake. He adds fast-changing weather to the list of things which have been different since the girl arrived.

Hunger, too, is something of a new experience for him. At least, hunger of this sort is. Last night's chocolate bars are proving a poor foundation for a morning's walk through the forest. The girl doesn't complain and nor does Poyomon, so Takeru keeps quiet, but he's fairly sure that this is the worst day  _ever_.

After a lot too long for his liking, the girl points out some strange fruits growing in the trees. They are high up, out of reach, so they leave Poyomon to guard Takeru's bag and start to climb. The girl goes first, although she seems to find climbing rather tricky. Takeru notices that she reaches for branches which are too far away at times. It's odd. Still, before long there is a pile of fruit gathered at the base of the tree - only a little bruised - and they sit down to have a late breakfast.

For a while, they eat in silence. That much at least is familiar to Takeru, even if the food isn't. The kitchen in the cottage has fruit, but he usually prefers to eat sweets or cakes. Sometimes Poyomon manages to convince him to eat some of the more boring things on offer, but he's pretty good at ignoring that imploring look his companion uses on him. And fruit is annoying. It's all juicy and messy, and mostly it has pips or stones in the middle. Still. It's better than being hungry.

Halfway through their meal, the girl sighs.

"Takeru, are you okay? You're so  _quiet_."

He looks up, surprised. "I'm fine."

"Is it…is it because of that nightmare you had?"

The question makes him flinch. All of a sudden his head is filled with cold, clear dream memories, of burning and freezing at the same time. With the screams of the strange, alien voice which is somehow his own. With the laughter of the shadowy figure who leans over him.

He drops his food, and presses his palms to the sides of his head, trying to squeeze the thoughts away. This isn't right. Dreams only happen at night. Dreams aren't real; they shouldn't be here, bothering him now he's awake.

"Poyo! Poyo!"

The voice cuts through the burning and the screaming, and Takeru opens eyes he doesn't even remember closing. Poyomon has leapt onto his lap and stares up at him. It's okay. He has Poyomon. Nothing bad can happen all the while he has Poyomon with him.

Takeru clings to Poyomon for a while, only half aware that he's crying. When he calms down, he realises that the girl is staring at him. Her eyes are red and puffy, and he can see tear tracks on her cheeks. The shock of seeing someone else weeping startles him out of his own tears.

"Oh, Takeru, I'm so sorry," she says. "I didn't- I shouldn't have said anything."

He frowns. "You're crying? But friends don't cry."  _Only the crying boy does_ , he wants to say, but the words are too hard to shape aloud.

The girl wipes the tears from her cheeks, although it doesn't stop her eyes from being red and puffy.

"What are you talking about?" she says. "Everyone cries, if something makes them sad enough."

Takeru shakes his head. "None of my friends ever cried," he says. "Crying's just what happens after a dream…" He falls silent, thinking. It's the middle of the day, so he can't have been asleep. And there's no denying that the girl was crying too, even if she seems to have stopped now.

He's never really thought about friends having feelings before. Friends just come and visit to play with him, after all. It's yet another strange thing, but it's been almost a whole day since he left the cottage, so strange things are starting to feel a little  _less_  strange than they had back then. And maybe things are different out here to how they are at home. Besides, the girl is most certainly different to his other friends. She talks, after all. And has ideas, and feelings of her own-

Takeru frowns as something occurs to him. "You said people cry when they're sad," he says. "Why are you sad?"

The girl stays silent a moment, looking at her hands. Poyomon hops over, and nudges against her knee. For a split second, Takeru feels a spark of irritation that his companion is paying attention to the girl and not himself, but then it fades. All he's left with is his curiosity.

She looks up, her brow furrowed as though she's thinking  _really_  hard about something.

"I'm sad because you are," she says at last. "Because you're my friend, and friends…well, friends want each other to be happy, not sad. It's hard, knowing that a friend is sad, or unhappy, or…lost."

He blinks, remembering the boy. Takeru isn't sure he really feels  _sad_  that the boy is lost. Then again, he's not entirely sure he knows what sadness  _is_. It's not something he's ever thought about before. He's always been happy enough at the cottage, after all, with Poyomon by his side and his friends to play with when they visit. Still. He's certainly been  _less_  happy since the boy disappeared. Could that be sadness? Not enough to make him cry - but all the same, the loneliness hasn't been a feeling he's liked.

Takeru nods. "I  _think_  I understand," he says, holding out his arms for Poyomon to hop back into. His companion bounds over and lands on his outstretched palms.

The girl gets to her feet, dusting off her shorts. She doesn't look all that convinced, really. Takeru cuddles Poyomon, feeling the last prickles of irritation fade away, and stands up as well.

"We should take some of the fruit with us," the girl says. "Is there much space in your bag?"

Takeru blinks, and reaches for his backpack. He's not entirely sure why they can't simply find more fruit - or hopefully something better - later on, but the girl seems pretty certain, so he takes a look.

There's not much inside, really. They ate the chocolate last night, so now it holds only the things he grabbed from his room: his hat; a pebble from the lake; a few bits of sting, now hopelessly tangled; one last bar of chocolate which they somehow missed the night before. And two  _things_ \- gadgets which Takeru has never seen the point of, but which he's always kept in his bag anyway. A grey rectangular one with, a front that flips up to reveal some buttons and a dark shiny square, and a more rounded object, which also has a shiny panel and buttons. The sides of the latter are green, made of a rubbery material, and the centre is an ugly, mottled dark grey. Something about it bothers Takeru, but he can't work out  _what_  exactly, or why.

There's plenty of room in the bag though, so he simply nods to the girl. They spend a minute or two packing his rucksack with the fruits which look least likely to get squashed or make a mess.

"Which way?" Takeru asks, as they look at the woods around them. The mist seems to have gone away again, and they can see quite a distance into the trees in every direction. It all looks the same, no matter which way they turn.

The girl shrugs. "I don't suppose it really matters," she says. "We might as well just pick a direction and see where we end up. It's not as though anything in this place seems to stay still for all that long anyway."

Something about her tone of voice prickles in his mind, sparking his curiosity. It's as though she's not  _used_  to a world which changes all the time. And if she isn't, what does that mean?  _Is_  there somewhere else like that? A world which is all the same every day? Takeru has never thought about where his friends come from, or where they go to at the end of the days they visit. It's hard to wonder things like that about people who never talk or have ideas, after all. They're just… _there_. But the longer he's with the girl, the more he realises that she  _has_  to have come from somewhere. She knows the boy, after all. And she has the other friends, the ones whose names he can't quite remember. Not to mention the fact that she seems to find it really strange for friends to go away. Does that mean friends stay there all the time where the girl comes from? As they set out into the forest, Takeru can't help wondering what it would be like to live somewhere like that.

He cuddles Poyomon, following the girl along a rough track through the trees. Maybe, he thinks, after they find the boy he'll ask her if it's okay for him to visit sometimes. Then  _he'll_  be the friend. The thought makes him smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew! At last, this chapter is finished. Writing in present tense is turning out to be a lot harder than past tense, particularly when you are writing present tense through the eyes of an eight year old with a really screwey memory. (Which isn't intended to be a spoiler at this point, by the way. Anything more than a few days ago is blurry to him.) I'm also surprising myself with how much of this story there actually is. When I initially envisaged it in my head, it was only about...maybe twenty or so chapters long. I have a feeling it's going to push past that by a bit now.
> 
> Part of that is due to the chapters being shorter, but keeping them short was a conscious decision on my part, and I really want to stick with this sort of pacing. It's a lot more immediate and "present" than long chapters, which is kinda the whole point of the story.


	10. Almost Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this chapter was super hard to write. Trying to decide what to include and what to leave out was really difficult, but I think I've found the right balance.

The trees don’t last much longer. Before long, they’re heading towards a brighter area which turns out to be a clearing. There’s a path through the trees, and at the far end of it is a large building, with peach coloured bricks and a deep blue roof.

The girl walks forward into the open space, but Takeru stops dead the moment he sees it. Something about that building feels wrong in a way he doesn’t know how to explain. Poyomon, seated in his hands, starts to shiver.

“Poyo!” the little blob cries, loudly enough that the girl stops and turns around to look at them both.

“What’s wrong, Takeru?” she asks. “Why did you stop?”

He frowns. “I…I don’t know.”

It’s hard to think past the pressure in his head, but that pressure has been there since they ate. Takeru wonders if he should stop eating so much fruit.

“Well, we should keep moving,” the girl says. “ After all, maybe there’s a clue in that mansion over there. It would make sense for the boy to look for shelter.”

She turns around and starts walking again, only to stop as Poyomon leaps from Takeru’s hands and bounds over to her, shouting “Poyo poyo!” over and over. The little blob overtakes her, then sits in the middle of the path, doing his best to shake his head.

Takeru is quite surprised by the actions of his companion. Poyomon hasn’t reacted this strongly to something in a long, long time. He can’t quite remember what set his friend off before, but he’s fairly sure it was in the woods as well.

“I think he’s warning us,” he says.

The girl frowns. “But warning us about what? We haven’t run into anything dangerous so far. It’s like there’s no one in this world but us. And there has to be a reason that place is there. Mansions don’t just appear in the middle of nowhere.”

Takeru raises his eyebrows. “They don’t?”

She sighs. “Not normally, no. I… I think there’s a reason this place is here. We should take a closer look. Maybe there’s a clue about the boy.”

Takeru isn’t sure, but the girl sounds so certain that he pushes his doubts aside. After all, she seems to know a lot about things.

“Okay,” he says. “Come on Poyomon. Don’t worry, we’ll be careful.”

The closer they get to the house, the more Takeru starts to think he recognises it from somewhere. The pressure in his head grows stronger until it turns into another headache, growing and growing until by the time they reach the steps up to the front doors he has to stop, cradling his head in his hands.

He closes his eyes, and cries out as the world tips suddenly, flinging him to a ground which is surprisingly soft. Opening them again, he sees night all around him; above, to the sides, and even below. He’s soaring through the air, clinging tightly to a wooden bed. In the air around him are others, too, all crying out with shock and fear. Something big and menacing is down on the ground. No, more than one thing, and there’s a boy as well, and he’s sure he’s seen him before-

Takeru hits the ground with a thump that knocks the air out of him, and his eyes snap open to broad daylight. He gasps with shock and looks around, and for a moment he’s surprised to see only Poyomon and the girl. Where are the others? A blink more and he wonders where  _that_ thought came from. Who else would be there, after all?

The girl runs over, and helps him get to his feet, asking if he’s okay. She looks from him to the house, and then to Poyomon, frowning.

“Poyomon, do you recognise this place?” she asks.

Takeru is about to point out that that’s impossible, because Poyomon is always with him and he’s never been here before - and then Poyomon nods. The feeling of wrongness comes back, in a different shape this time. That can’t be right. Poyomon is _always_ with him, and Takeru is sure he’s never…never… He frowns, and looks at the mansion again. It’s strange. He knows he’s never seen any buildings like this anywhere, and yet… there really _is_ something familiar about it. It doesn’t make any sense.

He walks up the steps and over to the door, pushing past the uneasy feeling in his stomach. Frowning, he turns the handle. He’s curious now. His head is throbbing and normally that’s a bad sign, but if Poyomon knows what this place is, then Takeru wants to know as well. It’s only fair, after all.

The door is stiff, and hard to open. It’s like the door to one of the outbuildings near the cottage, which only opens if you push with all your strength, and scrapes noisily across the ground when it _does_ move. Except this door opens silently, as though there’s nothing to really make it stiff or heavy. Part of him wonders if the door itself just doesn’t want to move. The girl comes to help, and they push and push until there’s a space large enough to fit through.

Takeru peers around it, into a large, open hall. There are quite a few doors leading to other rooms in here, and the ceiling is high enough that he can see an upstairs pathway around it. It all looks very fancy. There’s even a painting on the far wall.

“Poyo!”

Takeru looks around, surprised. He hasn’t heard his companion sound so worried before.

“It’s okay, I’ll be careful,” he says, and tries to smile past the throbbing in his head. Turning back to the room, he takes a few steps forward. The picture catches his eye - it seems almost _brighter_ than everything else somehow. Despite the pain in his head growing, Takeru can’t help waking forward to get a closer look. By the time he has walked halfway across the hall and can see what it is, the pain is enough to make him dizzy and sick. He clutches his head, suddenly wondering why he wanted to come in here. In an instant it seems like the worst idea ever. The feeling of wrongness rises up, and up, and suddenly he’s hot and cold all at the same time. A dark, smiling creature which reeks of wrongness and everything that’s bad, bad, _bad_ is staring down at him with red eyes and a wide, menacing smile.

Takeru screams; short and sharp, because his chest has gone all tight and he can’t breathe properly. His head feels as though it’s been split in two; flashes of other places, other people, and a jumble of feelings all tumble before him, hopelessly scrambled and mixed up. A shadowy figure looms over him, anonymous behind a pair of sunglasses, with spiky hair and a cruel smile. Light flares, and the scene is different: he’s out in a wide, sandy space and the dark creature is back, with long, thin, black limbs and tattered wings. It laughs, and beams of darkness shoot from its claw-like hands to strike-

But he doesn’t see _what_ the beams strike because suddenly he’s back in the mansion and Poyomon is by his side, shouting “Poyo! Poyo poyo!” over and over, and the girl is running towards them with that sad, teary look on her face again. The pain in his head fades, and Takeru gasps for air, wishing he had the energy to run out of the building and get as far away as he can.

The girl kneels down beside him. “Takeru! Are you okay? What happened?”

He stares back at her for a moment, as one clear thought rises out from the hopeless tangle in his mind. His head is throbbing, and he feels as though he’s run fifty times around the cottage, but now that the thought is there it pushes right to the front of his mind until it turns into words:

“Devimon,” he says. “It was Devimon, only… I don’t understand. Who _is_ he?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Technically this chapter also comes with the disclaimer that NaNoWriMo is around the corner, and as I'm MLing this year, I may not be able to update for a while. Of course, that was my intention before getting to the end of this chapter, and realising where it leaves off. I will absolutely do my best to get another chapter out soon - if not in the next few days, then in the first week of NaNo when I'm in the throes of Week One excitement and I'm ahead of target. I do not intend to leave everyone hanging for over a month!


	11. Transition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! A few days later than I'd planned, but here it is. I can thank a seizure for this chapter, because my brain was fried enough that I couldn't face my NaNo novel for a while, leading me to write this. My brain seemed to want to write present tense for a while. Not sure when I'll be updating next - life as an ML is very busy in my region - but I am still pottering away at my fics here and there alongside my NaNoing. And of course, feedback is always very welcome, positive or negative!

Takeru is surprised when the girl immediately gets to her feet and announces that they should leave. He doesn’t complain - the fresh air seems to help his headache, and the mansion is dark and creepy compared to the bright forest. Still. She hasn’t answered his question, and although he can’t explain how, he’s sure that she could if she wanted to.

It’s annoying, too, how all of a sudden she and Poyomon are talking quietly to each other, letting him follow behind as they make their way out along the path and towards the treeline. His head still hurts, after all, and he feels a little dizzy and sick, and now his companion is poyoing to the girl - and no one will tell him who Devimon is or why that name makes his head hurt so badly. It’s just too much.

They stop a little way into the trees, and the girl sits down. Takeru folds his arms and frowns at her.

“Why do you keep talking to Poyomon, and not me?” he asks, feeling all the little niggly grumbles bubble up to the top of his thoughts and spill out. “You can’t even understand what Poyomon says, and he’s _my_ friend, and you didn’t answer my question, and…and… and I don’t think you’re a very nice friend _anyway_. All you do is make me walk and walk, and we’re both lost, and there’s not much food, and now my head hurts and I just want to know _what’s going on!_ ”

The girl stares at him, open-mouthed.

“Takeru, I…” She stops, and hangs her head. “I’m sorry. It’s just very, very complicated. I don’t think I know _how_ to explain everything. Not without making things worse, at least.”

“Poyo poyo.” The voice is solemn and soft, and Takeru turns to his companion, who is looking between him and the girl, and nodding slowly. “Poyo. Poyo poyo.”

The girl sighs. “You want me to tell him anyway?” she says, looking at the little white blob. Poyomon tilts his head to one side, making a sort of half-nodding movement.

This is almost too much for Takeru. Even _Poyomon_ knows what’s going on? It’s not fair. It’s not fair that he’s the only one who doesn’t know things, and now there’s a dark, scary figure staring out at him from the back of his mind and he can’t think of any reason why. He’s about to yell at them both that he doesn’t even _need_ friends, and storm off on his own - and then the girl tells him to sit down. Something about the way she says it makes Takeru listen.

“Takeru, Devimon is - _was_ \- bad,” she says, her voice quiet. “He hurt Poyomon. But he’s gone now, okay?”

“But how could he hurt Poyomon?” Takeru says. Something about her words sits uneasily in his stomach. “Poyomon is always with me, and I never saw him get hurt. Well, maybe the time he fell off the tree, but that wasn’t so bad.”

He finds himself reaching out for Poyomon as he speaks. Just the thought of someone hurting his companion makes his chest go all tight. Poyomon is… Poyomon’s _always_ there. He’s the one thing which never changes in Takeru’s life. Even here, having left the cottage and gotten lost in the world, Poyomon is still by Takeru’s side. He can’t imagine things being any other way.

And yet.

He only has to look at Poyomon once to know that what the girl says is true. He’s not sure how - it certainly doesn’t make any sense. But there’s no denying the serious look on Poyomon’s face; the sadness in his eyes as he looks up at Takeru and slowly nods.

“I think we should get moving,” the girl says. “We need to find the boy, and he won’t be here.”

Takeru frowns. “How do you know that?”

She sighs. “Because this place has nothing to do with him. That’s not why it’s here.”

Takeru isn’t sure that really makes any sense, but he doesn’t want to stay anywhere near the mansion either. So instead of complaining, he cuddles Poyomon tightly, and follows the girl into the trees. He’s sure of one thing though. Next time Poyomon warns him about a place, he’s going to stay away.

 

* * *

 

By the time night falls once more they’ve reached the end of the forest. Sandy dunes stretch out ahead of them. The girl stares at them uneasily, as if she's thinking about the mansion, although Poyomon doesn’t seem worried.

Takeru is worried, but not just because of the sand. They’ve been walking _all day_ , and he’s tired and hungry and there isn’t even much fruit left in his backpack. He can’t be sure, of course, but it doesn’t seem like a place which is all sandy like that will have lots of food.

“We should go around this,” the girl says, looking at him and sighing. “Although I don’t know how far it goes on for.”

“Will there be food if we go around?” Takeru asks, looking out across the sand. The starlight makes it look all pale and silvery. It’s kinda pretty really.

“Well you don’t normally find food in a desert, you know. Food grows on plants.”

Takeru frowns. Her answer jars him. It’s not quite right, after all.

“Or there’s fish,” he says, thinking. He’s not entirely certain what fish _are_ , but he’s sure they’re food, and that he’s eaten them. “And something else, but I don’t know what it is.”

Poyomon hops up and down excitedly. “Poyo! Poyo! Poyo!”

Takeru smiles. It’s hard not to, when Poyomon gets excited about something. His small companion always looks so funny. Looking up, he realises that the girl is staring at him with _another_ odd look on her face. It’s hard to work this one out though, although part of him thinks she’s waiting for something.

“Do you think you can describe it?” she says at last. “It might help you re- I mean, I might be able to help you work it out.”

Takeru is about to argue that she doesn’t make any sense, and that anyway, he doesn’t want to talk about food when they hardly have any left. But even has he takes a breath to say so, he stops. His hunger pangs have come back from talking about food, but alongside them is the strangest feeling that he’s been to this place before.

The sand is familiar, and before he really knows what he’s doing, he’s on his feet once more and running across it, ignoring the girl’s cries for him to stop. He _has_ to see what’s out here, because something is, and he doesn’t know why he knows that, but he does. It’s hard to run on the sand, and he stumbles a few times, almost falling flat on his face. But it’s worth it, it really is, because before long he can see something up ahead.

He stops a moment to catch his breath, and hears the girl and Poyomon behind him, calling and poyoing for him to wait, or go back to where they are. He can’t do that though. He has to find out what that thing is in the distance; the dark shadow on the horizon. Before they catch up he’s off again, running and running until his legs ache and his heat beats so fast he can hear it. Until his sides ache so much that he can’t go on any more. He’s close enough to see it now, a giant _thing_ in the sand, like a triangle with two points in the sky, and the third one sticking into the ground. He knows there’s a name for it - it’s dancing just out of reach in his head, and part of him feels sure that if he could just think of that word then everything would be okay.

But it’s not there. It's as if his head has run out of words completely.

He’s still stood staring at it when the girl catches up with him, breathing heavily from the race through the sand. She drops Poyomon and the bag onto the sand and clutches her side, scowling at him.

“Takeru, what were you _thinking_?” she says at last, through gasps for breath. “Why did you run off like that?”

He turns to face them, dropping to his knees to scoop up Poyomon in his hands. The little blob presses itself against him, poyoing furiously in a low voice.

“I just knew I had to come here,” he mumbles. It’s starting to seem like a really silly thing to do now. “I thought… I thought I’d been here before.”

The girl looks past him at the strange, giant thing in the sand some way ahead of them, her eyes going wide.

“I think you have,” she says, slowly turning to look at Poyomon, who nods once.

“But I don’t remember anything like that!” he says. “I don’t even know what that thing is.”

The girl smiles. “You still knew it was here though,” she says, reaching down to pick up the bag. “It’s a start.”


	12. Sparks and Flashes

_Takeru opens his eyes and sees the crying boy. He's not crying out loud today, but his head is bent low, and everything about him just screams that he's miserable. It's in the way he sits; the way his clothes are all scruffy and crumpled; the way he doesn't move at all._

_It's quiet, far too quiet. Much as Takeru hates it when the boy cries, this is almost worse. He's waiting for something, but nothing seems to be happening, and he can't relax, because what if whatever he's waiting for happens at the moment he looks away and he misses it?_

_He's not sure how long he waits there, watching the boy sit with his head in his hands. It seems like forever, or even longer._

_And then the boy moves. He shifts in his seat, letting one hand drop to hang limply across his knee, and sighs._

_"Takeru," he says, in a hoarse voice which cracks as though it's right on the edge of crying again. "Please, come_ back _."_

_The words hit Takeru like a punch in the stomach. He_ knows _that voice, he's sure of it. But how, when the boy never does anything except cry?_

* * *

Takeru wakes suddenly, his eyes opening wide into the darkness of the shelter they found. It's night still, and the girl is sleeping. Poyomon is too, and Takeru sits up, breathing heavily and shaking slightly from the dream. Why is everything so different? Even the crying boy dream has changed now. He feels all wobbly and uncertain, as though everything is wrong, and it's going _more_  wrong, and it's all because he doesn't know something important.

He can feel the frustration building up inside him, and part of him wants to scream and shout; to throw things and make a noise and demand that someone tells him what's going  _on_. But the only people are Poyomon and the girl, and anyway, even as he thinks it, he can feel all his anger start to fizz away into that slow, empty feeling which he's pretty sure is sadness. No matter how hard he tries, all he can think about is the crying boy from his dream.

After a while, Poyomon wakes up and hops over, nudging his leg. Takeru looks down and tries to smile. When he realises he can't, he reaches out and picks up his friend, letting him sit on his hands. They sit in silence, until Takeru realises that it's starting to get light again, and gets to his feet. Will the world outside have changed again? He's a little scared to look, and it's only when Poyomon hops down and bounds over to the entrance of the strange shelter they found that he follows his small companion. He hears the girl stirring behind him as he walks out of the mouth of the cave.

For a moment, he can't move. The desert of the evening before is gone, and in its place is an amusement park by a lake. He stares open-mouthed, only half hearing Poyomon crying out to him. His thoughts all fade away as he gazes at the scene before him, not sure what to think, and then come rushing back in a flood of panic, because this place is not a good place. This place feels like loneliness and sadness and everything which is wrong.

He starts running, not even stopping to think about where he's going to. His feet find their way all on their own; past empty rides and benches; past buildings and flower beds; all the way to a jetty out over the lake, where swan-shaped boats are tied along the shoreline. He walks along the jetty in a daze, and drops to his knees as something pushes its way into his thoughts - he's been here before, and he was all alone, waiting for…for…

"Takeru!" the girl cries, panting as she runs up to him with Poyomon in her hands. "Takeru, are you okay?"

He turns to look at her, feeling the tears spill over and roll down his cheeks.

"Onii-chan," he says. "I waited for Onii-chan, but I don't know who that is."

"Takeru, I…"

"Who is he?" Takeru asks. "Why didn't he come back?"

"Poyo! Poyo poyo poyo!"

Poyomon bounds over and presses against Takeru's leg, then starts hopping up and down again. "Poyo poyo!" He turns to the girl and poyos some more.

Takeru kneels down to pick his small friend up, and hugs him tightly. Poyomon is here. He's not alone, after all, because he's sure his companion was here last time, only-

"Poyo?"

Takeru sighs, and sits down on the jetty with Poyomon. The girl seems a little unsure, but sits opposite him, with a thoughtful look on her face.

"Takeru, I… I don't know how much sense this will make right now, but… I know why Ya- why your Onii-chan didn't come back," she says.

Poyomon nods, looking up at him as she speaks. Takeru's eyes go wide, and he leans forward. Already his memory of standing on the jetty is starting to fade again, pushed to the back of his mind at the thought of getting an answer.

"You know who Onii-chan is?" Takeru asks.

The girl looks away. "I know that he wanted to come back, but he couldn't. In the end, you had to go and find  _him_ , Takeru."

Takeru frowns. "What do you mean?" he asks. "That doesn't make any sense. We haven't found anyone yet and anyway, we're looking for the boy.  _He's_  not called Onii-chan."

She sighs, and looks down. When she lifts her head again, her eyes fix on Poyomon instead of him. Takeru finds himself holding his small companion tighter.

What if Poyomon left? The thought appears out of nowhere - a sudden fear that Poyomon will go away, and leave him here in this strange place. Worse is the prickle in the back of his mind - the ghost of a feeling that it's already happened before.

"Takeru, what do you remember about this place?" the girl asks. "How does it make you feel?"

He looks away.

"I don't think it's an accident that we're here," the girl says. "I think you've been to all of these places before."

Takeru shakes his head. "But I haven't!" he cries. "I've always been at the cottage with Poyomon.  _Always_."

"But you remember being here," she says, looking straight at him with the most serious expression he has ever seen. "I know you do. Please, Takeru. This is important."

Takeru wants to say that he doesn't, because he thinks that if he tells the girl he hasn't, then she'll stop asking so many questions like the man does. Instead, he finds himself nodding. The image of a swan-shaped boat disappearing out of sight flickers in his mind, and he shudders at the sudden loneliness it brings; the fear that he will be left all by himself.

The girl sighs. "Maybe we should leave," she says. "We do still need to find the boy. Why don't you pick a direction, Takeru?"

Without really thinking, Takeru looks at Poyomon, who hops out of his hands and back along the jetty, calling out "Poyo, poyo!" Somehow Takeru knows where his companion is headed even before the little blob leaps onto one of the boats.

He doesn't move for a minute, or even hear the girl as she walks up. When she lays a hand on his shoulder he jumps - turning and stepping back, and almost falling off the jetty. The girl grabs his hand at the last second and hauls him forward again. He staggers a little, but regains his balance without toppling onto her.

"Sorry," she says. "I didn't mean to startle you."

Takeru looks up. This close, he can see that the girl is actually a little bit taller than him. He's not sure why, but for some reason that surprises him. It's strange, too, because he's always been smaller than his friends, hasn't he? Still, it doesn't feel  _wrong_ , exactly. He frowns. Maybe it's just because things have been different since he left the cottage. He's starting to feel that  _everything_ is all mixed up.

"Are you okay, Takeru?"

He's not sure what to say, so instead of answering properly he just shrugs and follows Poyomon to the boat. It's a little awkward to climb into the seat, and when he does, he realises that the pedals are too far away to easily reach with his feet. Then he stops, and looks at them again. As soon as he tries to think about what they're for, the knowledge seems to flit out of his mind, and they're just odd rectangles on a bent piece of metal again. What do they  _do_? He stares at them, wondering why and how he can be so sure he knew what they were just a minute ago, and yet be staring at them now without a clue.

The girl climbs into the boat beside him, and gives him a strange look. She smiles, but it's one of the smiles which doesn't reach higher than her mouth, and Takeru is pretty sure they don't count as real. Her face falls slightly as she looks down at the rectangles.

"It's gonna be a little tricky to pedal this thing," she says. "I forgot that I'm youn…that we're both a little short for these. Maybe if we sit right at the front of the seats?"

Takeru stares blankly at her. He's only half aware of what she's saying, because as he sits there on the hard plastic, his legs dangling off the edge of the seat, he can't help but feel this is wrong somehow. That it shouldn't be the girl sitting next to him. The vague shape of another friend hovers in the back of his mind - someone taller, smiling down at him - along with a strange, light feeling in his chest which he doesn't have a word for, even though he knows that he really  _should_  know that word. It's important. It's a part of him. That light feeling - the brief, fleeting surety that somehow everything will turn out okay. It's his. It's-

Pain splits his head and he cries out, flinching as the blinding headache cuts off his thoughts. The boat rocks beneath him and he clutches blindly for something to hold onto - he can't fall into the water, he just  _can't_.

"Takeru!" the girl cries, at the same time as his companion starts poyoing loudly.

The pain eases, and eventually he opens his eyes. The girl is looking worried again, and Poyomon has perched on her lap, leaning forwards with an almost identical expression on his small face. Takeru reaches out the little blob, and cuddles Poyomon closely to him as the headache fades away. His head is throbbing and he just wants to curl up in his nest of a bed at the cottage and go back to normal.

Except he can't. He's in a swan boat, and the cottage is… well, it's a long way away by now, and he's stuck here with the girl. And they're… they have to do something. Find someone. They're looking for…a boy. Takeru breathes heavily as the throbbing in his head stops, but fleetingly, darting in and out of his mind between the last few spikes of pain, there's a thought in his head. A vague impression of someone else - someone important - who hovers just out of focus in his mind. Tall and reassuring, and so familiar that Takeru is momentarily sure he knows who it is - and then the feeling's gone, and all he's left with is the knowledge that he has to find someone. That he's  _going_  to find someone.

As they slowly pedal off across the water, Takeru holds Poyomon tightly, and tries to cling to the last scraps of that feeling. After all. When they find the boy, maybe this other person will be there too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I return!
> 
> I don't normally use the Japanese honorifics in my fics, mostly because it's easier not to screw them up that way. Still. I've gone with "Onii-chan" because I need there to be a disconnect in the story. "Brother" is too specific a word when compared to the Japanese term, which can be used for people who have a sort of older-brother relationship with a person, as well as literal brothers. At this point, Takeru isn't even really sure what "Onii-chan" means (he's pretty much thinking along the lines of it being someone's name), but even if he was, he still wouldn't necessarily make the connection. If I use the word "brother", that makes no sense at all. So, "Onii-chan" it is.
> 
> Hope you like the chapter, and let me know what you think!


	13. Lost At Sea

The water laps quietly at the boat as they pedal along. Takeru’s legs are aching, but the girl has a look on her face which makes him keep going. She’s all quiet and serious, and even Poyomon is sitting at the front, looking out into the mist.

It’s spooky. The amusement park has been lost into the swirls of fog and cloud behind them, and there’s no sign of land anywhere. No sky, no sun; just water and mist, stretching on forever. The girl was cheerful enough to start with, but they’ve been pedalling so long that there’s nothing left to say. Takeru wonders if they’ll _ever_ find land again.

He stops, his legs too tired to keep going. The girl turns to look at him and sighs, before sitting back in her own chair.

“It didn’t look that big a lake when we started,” she says. “Where did all the land go?”

“It changed,” he says, shrugging. “Like the other places.”

“But… we were asleep those times, Takeru. You mean this place can change even when we’re awake?”

He blinks, surprised. Doesn’t she understand anything? Poyomon hops over onto his lap, and he cuddles his friend tightly.

“Of course it changes. Everywhere does. The cottage is the only place which is always the same. Well, and the hill with the snow, too. But I don’t know where they are any more.”

He sighs, and scoots back in the chair. The boat rocks beneath them and he clutches to the seat, looking out at the water nervously.

“What’s wrong?” the girl asks.

“I don’t want to fall in,” he says, staring out at the water.

The surface is grey-blue, reflecting the dreary fog around them, and it looks cold and dangerous - and horribly, horribly familiar.

“Why would you fall in?” the girl says. “We’re sitting in a boat.”

Takeru shakes his head. He’s not sure why the water scares him so much, but the air is cold and damp and there’s hardly any wind and it all feels still and trapped, and part of him is just _sure_ that he’s going to fall in - and then he’ll sink, pulled down into the cold and the dark while water is all around and he can’t _breathe_ …

A hand grips his shoulder and startles a yell out of him. He flinches, then clutches Poyomon as the boat rocks even more. Opening his eyes he realises he’s safe and dry; sat on his seat still, with the girl giving him a worried look.

He stares at her for a moment, catching his breath. It all felt so _real_. He can still hear that muffled roaring in his ears, and as he looks down at his clothes he expects them to be soaking wet. Instead, he’s completely dry, and Poyomon is looking up at him.

“Poyo?”

He wants to comfort his friend, stop him being scared, but the words won’t come because he’s still not entirely sure that he _is_ safe and dry. His head is throbbing, and it’s hard to focus on anything, and there’s a word right there, dancing just out of reach in his head, and he _knows_ , somehow, that if he could just know what it was then everything would make sense.

But the word flutters and fades, and as the throbbing eases away with it, he’s just sitting in a boat with Poyomon and the girl - although he’s more sure than ever that something about this is all wrong.

“Why are you here?” he says at last.

She stares at him, eyes wide, blinking. “What? Takeru, don’t you remember? We’re looking for the boy.”

He shakes his head. “No. I know _that_ , I just meant-”

There’s a flash of pain in his head, and for a split second, Takeru can see someone else sitting beside him in the boat. Another boy - older than him with wild, bushy brown hair and a pair of goggles on his head. The sky is clear and blue and they’re pedalling towards a shore, and he feels so light, and happy, and ho-

“Takeru!”

Hands grip his arms, and he realises he’s falling backwards out of the boat. He panics and grabs the girl to pull himself back up, then cries out with shock as the boat starts rocking wildly. By the time they’re settled back into their seats again the pain in his head has gone, and all he can think about is how much he wants to be away from the deep water. How badly he wants to be on solid ground.

“What _happened_?” the girl asks.

Takeru frowns, not sure what she means at first. The memory of the light feeling is almost lost amid his panic. Still, he clings to what’s left - a tiny spark of something which feels like it belongs with him, and a sudden new knowledge which comes hard on its heels. He _knows_ that face. He knows the boy he saw in the flash - it’s one of his friends. The one who always wants to play soccer. The one who used to be Takeru’s favourite friend until the boy arrived. How is that possible unless the girl is really right, and he _has_ been to places which aren’t the cottage before?

But if he’s been to all these places before, why doesn’t he remember?

“Takeru?”

He jumps, so lost in his own train of thoughts that he’s forgotten that the girl is waiting for an answer.

“I don’t know,” he says, and frowns. “It feels like I had a memory, but that doesn’t make any sense. It was like a dream memory, and they aren’t real - but I saw one of my friends.”

He’s expecting the girl to agree with him about it being strange, but instead she leans forward, her eyes going wide. “Who? Which of your friends did you see, Takeru?”

Even Poyomon seems quite excited, bobbing up and down on the bit of plastic between them. Why are they acting so weird?

“But you don’t know who my friends are,” he says. “They’re _my_ friends.”

The girl frowns, and sighs. “We need to get off the water,” she says after a long pause. She looks almost as cross as Takeru has ever seen her, which doesn’t make any sense. Maybe this is just how she is? The boy with glasses always worries, and the short boy with the rectangular thing is always getting distracted, and the girl with the big hat is always really cheerful, so maybe this girl is just grumpy and bossy?

No. He can’t say why, but the moment he thinks that, he knows it’s not right at all. His head throbs and for a moment he’s somewhere else completely, staring at the girl in a dark, shadowy place as she starts to glow. There’s a white animal of some sort standing next to her, but before he can get a good look he’s back in the boat again, and the girl doesn’t seem to have noticed anything. His head throbs painfully, but he’s starting to get used to that by now. Why can’t he see strange things like _this_ more often? Glowing people isn’t a bad thing to see. It’s interesting, and a lot better than the other stuff. The bad feeling wasn’t so strong, either.

Still, he’s pretty sure he’s never seen the girl do that in the whole time she’s been here. Does that mean he’s been dreaming again, even though he’s awake? There’s only really one way to find out.

“Can you glow?” he asks.

The girl stares at him, open-mouthed. “ _What_?” She sounds pretty surprised, but not grumpy.

“Glow,” he says. “I thought I saw you glowing, but maybe it was another dream.”

“Takeru, I don’t… wait. What _exactly_ did you see?”

He frowns, trying to make the picture in his mind again. It’s surprisingly hard.

“We were in a dark place, without a sky. It was all grey and brown, and you were glowing, and there was a white thing with a tail helping you stand up-”

“You remember! Takeru, that… that happened. It really happened! Can you remember anything else?”

The girl seems really excited now, sitting forward in her seat. On his lap, Poyomon hops up and down, and the overall effect is to set the boat gently rocking in the water once more. Part of him is worried about this, but it’s hard to focus on it when the girl is more happy and excited than he thinks he’s ever seen her, and it’s catching, it really is, because something about that happiness feels familiar to him, and even though his head is still throbbing, there isn’t really so much pain with it any more.

He stares at her, trying to understand. Remember? How is he supposed to just remember things? He can’t control what his head does, after all. It’s not as though memories stick around all the time. They pop up on their own and then disappear again, and the older they are, the less they pop up. He’s sure of that, even if the last couple of days _do_ seem to be a lot less foggy in his head than the rest of his memories at the cottage. Still, the look on her face makes him want to try. He likes happy friends, after all. It’s much more fun than sad ones.

Screwing up his eyes, he tries to think about the girl glowing. It’s hard - he’s not really sure what it is he’s trying to remember, after all - and the rocking of the boat is really distracting. After a minute or so he gives up, and sighs.

“It’s too _hard_ ,” he says, huffing a little. “How am I supposed to know what I need to do, anyway?”

The girl frowns, but it’s a thinking sort of face, and not a cross one. “Maybe it would be easier if we could get out of this boat,” she says, looking around. “The fog seems to be getting a bit thinner - we could look for land. We _have_ to find something familiar at some point.”

They start to pedal again, although Takeru isn’t as sure that they’ll find anything useful. The fog is starting to clear, yes, but it’s just showing more and more water around them. Poyomon hops up to the front of the boat and looks out over the water, poyoing softly. For a long while they don’t talk, and the gentle lapping of the water and the sound of Poyomon’s quiet murmur get so familiar that Takeru starts to tune them out. He watches the girl for a little bit, but she’s facing forward and concentrating, so instead he turns to look out over the water.

It seems bluer now - and the fog is thin enough that he can sort of see the sky up above them. It’s a warm day, too, and the water doesn’t look so scary any more. He still doesn’t want to fall in at all - he’s pretty sure he’ll sink - but before, he was sure that it wanted to get him, and now he’s starting to wonder what’s down there. Something is, he’s sure of it. Deep water like this is meant to have… a friend? It’s not a friend like the others, though. More a sort of… someone who helps. Someone who shows where the land is, and… and then leaves.

Takeru blinks, sure for a moment that he can see black specks drifting across the sky. He shakes his head and the sky is just plain blue again, with no sign of fog at all. The waves stretch out to the side, glinting in the sunlight, and blurring slightly because his eyes have filled with water of their own. Is _this_ sadness? It’s a little like how he feels after the crying boy dream, but it doesn’t make any sense. Why do black specks make him feel sad?

“Takeru, look!” the girl cries, breaking off his train of thought. “Land!”


	14. Unanswered Questions

They get their feet wet pulling the swan boat up onto the shore. Takeru doesn’t really mind - after all, at least there’s land underneath them now, and it’s warm enough that they can take their socks and shoes off after walking up the beach. There’s another forest ahead of them, but he’s pretty sure he needs to rest his legs before going in.

The girl flops down onto a log, and stretches her legs out in the sun.

“We should sit down for a bit,” she says. “I don’t know about you, but all that pedalling really wore me out.”

Takeru nods, and carries Poyomon up away from the water. There’s something strange about this beach. He can’t explain why, but suddenly he doesn’t feel safe at _all_.

There’s a building up ahead, a large, blockish thing that stretches across the beach. When he points it out to the girl she stares, open-mouthed.

“Do you remember this, Takeru?” she asks.

He looks the building over, taking in the wooden walls and assortment of _things_ lined up outside it. He’s sure he knows what they are, even if he doesn’t seem to have a word for all of them. There was certainly nothing like _this_ at the cottage.

He takes a step forward, but the girl grabs his shoulder and holds him back.

“Wait, Takeru,” she says, and he turns to see that she looks _worried_ about something. “It might not be safe. Last time…” She stops, and sighs, looking down at her feet.

“Last time?” he asks.

“ _Poyo_!”

The girl nods, and looks at Poyomon, who is hopping up and down. She sighs.

“I…don’t think I can tell you, Takeru. You have to remember. Like you remembered me glowing, and Ya- your Onii-chan. But I know you can do it. Just… try?”

Takeru stares at the building. There is something sort of familiar about it, but he can’t really tell what it is. It sort of reminds him of the cottage a little - it’s got one floor, and there’s lots of stuff. Will it have a jumble of furniture inside, like his home?

But he doesn’t think the girl wants him to remember the cottage. And his head is aching with how hard he’s trying - and how is he meant to just remember something, anyway, without any help, or any idea what it is he’s meant to remember? It’s just so hard, and it’s not _fair_. It’s not fair that the girl knows everything and he doesn’t. It shouldn’t be like that: he should know things. He should know _more_ than her, shouldn’t he? She’s new, and he’s been here all this time, and now here she is, telling him what to do, and where to go, and that there’s all sorts of memories in his head that she knows and he doesn’t, and it’s just _too much_!

He grits his teeth and runs, darting off into the forest without a look back - without Poyomon, even. His head is throbbing and his eyes are blurry with almost-tears, and he can hear the girl and Poyomon behind him, following and calling for him, but it’s no good. He can’t do this. He can’t remember, and he doesn’t know who the girl is, and he just wants to go back to the cottage where everything was the same all the time. Where there’s food, and friends, and he knows how things work. Where-

Takeru comes to a halt as the trees runs out, and he finds himself in a clearing. In front of him is another house - one that he’s sure he _does_ remember, although the memory is strange. The upstairs looks almost like a face, with windows for eyes, and a door for a mouth, and curling eaves that look like hair. The more he looks at it, the more he realises he _has_ seen it before. He’s sure he found this place with Poyomon once, and that his companion made such a fuss that they left without getting too close.

But Poyomon isn’t here now. It’s just Takeru, alone, and his head is hurting so much he hardly notices that he’s walking closer and closer, wrapped up in the pictures inside his head. He’s running down a corridor, and there are loud bangs, and he’s so _scared_ , and then that corridor turns into a different place - a cave, with a giant swing. The white thing is there, grabbing his hands and swinging him through the air, and then he’s falling, falling down and down. The girl is there, and they’re both screaming, and he’s sure it’s the end but a voice tells him not to give up - and he _knows_ that voice, he’s sure he does. Bright yellow light erupts nearby, and he trips, landing hard on the doorstep of the house.

He’s walked all the way up to it without even noticing, distracted by dreams which come when he’s awake. He can hear Poyomon and the girl now, calling for him from somewhere nearby.

“I’m over here!” he cries, and turns to the doorway. Now that he’s here, he’s not sure he wants to go inside. But at the same time, he can’t seem to look away. _Why_ does it look so familiar? Why does he feel like he’s _almost_ remembering things, only for the memories to get away from him before he knows what they are? It doesn’t make any sense at all.

There’s a bad feeling in his stomach but he’s so tired of not knowing things that he ignores it, and reaches out for the door handle. He can hear the girl and Poyomon getting closer as he turns the handle and pushes the door open. There’s a large hall inside, and stairs leading up. All of it looks familiar - he _knows_ this place, even if he doesn’t know why.

But there are no memories. No answers. All he can feel is the flutter of worry in his stomach, and the nagging sensation that something is wrong. Someone’s missing.

“Takeru!”

The girl’s voice is so close it makes him jump. She’s standing at the doorway, leaning on it and catching her breath. Poyomon hops out of her arms.

“Poyo! Poyo poyo poyo!” His friend sounds every bit as cross and worried as Takeru has ever heard him.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles.

“You have to stop running off!” the girl says, her voice gasping and strained. “What if you get separated from us? If I…if we lose you again…” She stops, and hangs her head.

Takeru stares at her. Again? When has he been lost before?

Something flickers in his mind. A spiky-haired boy with a cold smile. An open, sandy place. Dark corridors.

The pain in his head comes back suddenly, each throb bringing a new picture. He feels sick. What’s going on? What are all these pictures _doing_ in his head? Who are all these people who laugh at him, chase him, _hurt_ him? Memories strike and fade - the details lost even as the knowledge that _bad things happened_ lingers. He catches hold of snatches here and there - falling into a dark place; being chased by a giant puppet; shouting at a small, white creature who looks achingly familiar; floating in a dark place surrounded by _all_ of his friends, and more companions he doesn’t recognise; watching a bright white creature turn to sparkling dust; watching a black creature swoop down on his friends; clinging to a rope while something tugs at his ankle; a face with glasses and a cruel smile looming before him - and then it stops, and he’s curled in a ball, and the girl is shaking his shoulder.

“Takeru! Takeru, are you okay?”

He feels _horrible_. His head hurts, his eyes are sore and aching, and he feels sick all over. What’s wrong with him? Shivering, he tries to get to his feet. It’s hard just to stand up, let alone walk, and he’s glad the girl is there to help him. She leads him out of the house, and stands back as he lurches over to a bush and lets his stomach heave. His eyes and nose are running, and his ears are roaring with the effort of remaining upright.

It seems like forever until he’s aware of the trees around him again - until the world peels back from his tiny bubble of pain and misery, and he can focus on where he is and who is with him. The girl is watching him, with Poyomon sat in her arms. Both seem…worried? Scared? He’s not sure. Not even really sure who he is any more - the memories almost seem to belong to someone else. Certainly they don’t belong to a boy who lives in a cottage by himself with only Poyomon and occasional friends for company.

The girl offers him a handkerchief from his bag - one of the odds and ends he’s had tucked away in there for who-knows-how-long - and he manages a weak smile. If this is what the girl wants him to remember, he’s not sure whether it’s worth the effort. Why does she want him to remember bad things? Why can’t he remember good things, or even things which are just ‘okay’?

He doesn’t say anything as they walk away from the house together. The girl doesn’t ask any questions, either. She just walks in silence, carrying his bag, and giving him odd looks here and there. The trees close in around them, forcing them to walk one in front of the other, and he gladly lets her lead. There’s too much going on in his head to really think about where he’s walking to.

The thought keeps replaying in his head, over and over: if the memories don’t belong to a Takeru who has always lived in the cottage, what Takeru _do_ they belong to? What sort of person would he be if he could remember everything the girl seems to think he has forgotten? And why can’t he remember it all, anyway?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoo, boy. This took a while to write! 
> 
> I'm pretty happy with how it turned out though. It's taken me both more and less time than I had thought at various stages of writing Metanoia to reach this point. On the one hand, I am soo eager to get through the next few chapters and see what everyone makes of them, but on the other hand, I really don't want to rush and spoil things. So, bear with me while I overthink every chapter I write of this fic from here on out. 
> 
> Props to anyone who catches all the catchable references in this chapter, too! I will warn anyone who attempts it that this time there are a few which stem from the AU nature of this fic, instead of all being drawn from the anime.


	15. Fragment

Takeru is getting fed up with walking now. It's been days and days and they just walk _all_ the time. He hasn't said anything since the house in the forest, but the trees are thinning out now, and _surely_ they have to find something soon? He's beginning to wonder if they'll keep going forever.

They stop when the trees run out, and stare at their future surroundings. Takeru can't remember ever having seen so many buildings before. There's a short distance between the end of the trees and the start of the… He frowns. It has a name; he's sure of that, but the word hovers just out of his reach. Buildings. Lots of buildings all together. It's… it's a…

He stops and turns to the girl. Maybe she'll tell him what it is, and then he can stop worrying. But the girl is staring out over the city with an equally worried look on his face, and- _city!_ It's a city! Takeru almost laughs; he's so happy that he worked it out. He _can_ know things!

"Poyo!"

Without thinking, Takeru picks Poyomon up and hugs the little blob. The good feeling is catching - it's just what he's needed to cheer him up after all this walking and feeling awful. Good feelings should happen more often.

"Takeru?" the girl asks, and he flinches. Is she going to tell him they have to keep going? That he's wasting time? He looks up, wary.

"What is it?" he asks.

To his surprise, she's smiling at him. "Oh, nothing, I… it's nice to see you in such a good mood, is all," the girl says. "It's been a long time since-"

She looks away and clears her throat. "Anyway. What made you happy?"

Takeru grins, and points at the buildings. "It's a city," he says. "I didn't know the word at first, but then I did. And it felt good."

The girl smiles. "It _is_ a good feeling when you remember things," she says. "Do you know how you did it?"

Takeru frowns, thinking. "I'm not sure. I was trying really hard, but then… it happened when I stopped thinking about it."

"Poyo poyo!" his companion cries, hopping up and down. "Poyo, poyo poyo!"

The girl looks just as excited. "Maybe that's it!" she says. "If we can find a way to trigger the memories when your guard's down… It must be blocking them somehow. Oh, if _only_ I could talk to the others: I'm sure Kou-"

She stops abruptly, and looks away. Takeru can see her face turn all pinched and pale.

"What's wrong?" he says. "Why did you stop talking? And… who are the 'others'?"

"Nothing!" she cries. "Never mind. I was just getting carried away. We should… we should keep walking. See what's in the city. I wonder which one it is."

He frowns. "There's more than one city?" he asks, following her across the rough, dry ground between the forest and the start of the buildings. "How many are there? And are they all as big as this?" He runs slightly ahead, turning to walk backwards in front of her. Will she answer his question?

The girl smiles, another real one which reaches to her eyes.

"Well, all cities are different," she says. "I just hope we'll be able to find _food_. We're pretty low on fruit."

He sighs, and hugs Poyomon again. Apparently she's just going to talk about finding food and walking again now. They stay silent as the city approaches, and it's not until they've been walking for - in his opinion - way too long that anything happens.

The girl stops sharp in the middle of the street. "It's getting foggy again," she says. "We should find somewhere to wait it out. There's not point wandering around when we can't even see where we're going."

Takeru blinks. It's only now that the girl has pointed it out that he notices the thick mist, drawing in on them and making the city vanish into the clouds. Sighing, he nods and starts looking around for a good place to go. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees the girl watching him with an odd expression on her face. She glances down the street, and then back at him, eyebrows descending in a frown.

"What?" he says, looking right back at her. "You're staring at me all funny."

The girl shakes her head quickly. "I was just…thinking, is all. Takeru, how do you feel right now?"

He frowns and shrugs. "I dunno," he says, looking down at Poyomon. "Kinda tired and hungry, I guess?"

"So, the good feeling you had… it's gone?"

Takeru stares at her. "What good feeling? Like I said, I'm just tired and hungry. That's not a good feeling at _all_."

She seems as though she's about to say something, but doesn't speak. The odd look on her face almost makes her look sad, and Takeru wonders what the matter is. But before he can ask, she has turned towards a building, and waves for him to follow her inside. Takeru looks around. It is pretty foggy outside. Maybe they're better off waiting inside for the weather to clear.

The building turns out to be the most disappointing place Takeru has ever seen. It has all the things he recognises and more - chairs, tables, bookcases, and other furniture that reminds him of the cottage - but there's no food anywhere, and the girl doesn't seem to want to play any games. Once they realise there's nothing to eat they just sit there, cold and hungry.

Takeru can't remember _ever_ having been as hungry as this. It's so bad that it hurts, and he feels dizzy and tired. He's miserable, and doesn't even look up when Poyomon calls to him. Why bother? Everything is rotten. There's no boy, and the girl is being quiet, and they're both _lost_. It's… it's…

He frowns. There's a word for how he's feeling, and he doesn't know what it is. Of course, there are lots of things which he doesn't seem to know, but this one feels…out of all the words, all the things he doesn't know, he _should_ know this. It's not right. Something's very wrong, and he can't quite place it, but the longer he sits there, the more he starts to be sure that he's all back to front. Are they giving up? There's nothing else they can really do, so it sort of makes sense, but what happens next? What happens if they stop looking? What happens if they don't find food, or the boy?

The girl is sitting facing away from him, with her knees drawn up to her chest and her head hanging low. She looks pretty sad, and that's not right either. But what can he do? He stares at her, feeling lost and confused. Everything's all mixed up and strange, but he's so dizzy he's not sure what's right or wrong any more. And slowly, without knowing how, he starts to feel like he's done this before. Being hungry, and lost, and trying to find someone, or something. It's jumbled, because he doesn't really think it all happened in quite the same way, but…

Poyomon hops over to the girl, a little flash of white moving out of the corner of his eye, and he turns sharply. For a moment, he expects to see a white cat going to comfort her instead. He stares at his friend. Poyomon.

Takeru hasn't thought about _why_ he's always been with Poyomon before. It's just… one of those things, really. Like the sky being blue on a sunny day, or dreams being bad and scary. But suddenly, he can't help but wonder. Why is Poyomon Poyomon? Why is his companion a little white blob? It's not _wrong_ , like the crying boy in his dreams, or not knowing words when he wants to, but it's not exactly _right_ , either. Poyomon should be…different.

And now he can't stop thinking about it, or wondering _why_ he's suddenly thinking like this. He's always been with Poyomon, hasn't he? Poyomon never changes, never leaves. Never-

Pain splits his head and he cries out, doubling over and screwing up his eyes. It stops almost as suddenly as it begins, but he feels terrible, because all of a sudden he's sure that Poyomon _did_ leave him - something happened, something _really_ bad. A tall black figure with outstretched arms and wings looms in his mind, laughing at him. He tries to close his eyes tighter, but the figure doesn't leave - it's in his head, and he can't escape. It laughs and laughs, and he's sure he can hear someone calling his name, but what's the use, what's the point: his partner is _gone_ and he's all alone, and there's no promise this time to see each other again. It's over, and he just wants to scream and yell and break everything in sight; hit anything or anyone who gets close because it _hurts_. Nothing can fix this, so he'll smash it all and they can see how it feels…

…But that's not right.

That's not him. He doesn't remember this. Doesn't know where these bad feelings have come from, because he's not alone. Poyomon hasn't gone anywhere. He's here, pressing against Takeru's leg and poyoing urgently, and although the laughing figure in his mind is still there, when he opens his eyes, Takeru can _see_ his friend - strange or not, he's _here_. The laughing fades, and Takeru looks up to see the girl is staring at him, hands over her mouth. She looks really scared, and for a moment, Takeru feels the same way. Is it his fault? What has he done?

They're sat in the building in the city, but as Takeru looks around he half expects to see sand dunes outside. This is all wrong. Where is he? What's going on? He turns to the girl again, and for the briefest second, he's sure he _knows_ her - memories bubble and almost surface in his mind before fading again, leaving him feeling lost and alone.

"Poyo?"

No, he's not alone. He has Poyomon, and the girl is here, even if he isn't completely sure who she is. And after all, she _promised_ , didn't she? That he wouldn't be alone? Promises are important. Very, very important. You have to believe in promises, you just _have_ to.

And there, rising up in his mind, is the memory. Small and isolated, a tiny fragment from somewhere deep inside his mind. He blinks, shocked, because it really doesn't make any sense - and yet he knows it's right. It's real. It really happened, and he knows now why he can't stop thinking about promises. He made his own, somewhere in a strange place, in a time he doesn't _exactly_ remember, to one of his friends. And he doesn't know why, but he can remember that feeling, too. How sure he was that he'd keep it. How he _had_ to, no matter what.

And he's not alone.

The girl kept her promise. He should too. No. Not the girl…

He swallows, trying to make his throat less scratchy. His voice is still a little hoarse as he asks:

"Hikari? Are you okay?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hot damn, we made it! Honestly, I almost held off for another chapter, because I have been going back and forth for ages now trying to decide what the first real memory should be. It seemed kinda cliché for it to be Hikari's name, but then... to get to anything else really would have meant dragging things out and screwing up the pacing something fierce.
> 
> Well. It's the first notable memory, anyway. This chapter also contains (unless I have majorly screwed up) the first use of another word that I have been intentionally avoiding until now. I could say what it is, but hey. Where's the fun in that, when I can let people work it out? Please do let me know what you think of the story so far - I am enormously grateful for any and all comments. Thank you so much to everyone who has bookmarked or given kudos to this story, too! I am aware that this fic kinda starts out in a weird place and goes from there, so I really wasn't expecting it to go down so well when I started!


	16. Tipping Point

For a minute - a really _long_ minute - she just stares at him with the most shocked expression Takeru has ever seen, and he wonders if he's made a mistake. It's only a small memory he has, after all; what if he's got her mixed up with someone else?

She makes an odd sort of choking sound and suddenly, to his surprise she's _crying_.

"Takeru, you…you _remember_?"

He blinks. She _is_ Hikari. He was right!

Poyomon is hopping up and down beside him, a constant _poyopoyopoyopoyo_ in the background as he slowly nods.

"I think so? But, why are you crying? You said… said you _wanted_ me to remember."

She wipes her eyes with the back of her hand and nods.

"I did, Takeru. It's just that I'd started to feel like you'd _never_ come back. I know it was silly. I shouldn't have given up hope, especially-"

He stares at her, watching her talk but not hearing anything. All he can hear is the voice of the crying boy, saying ' _Come_ back, _Takeru_ ,' and a high-pitched, shrill whining sound.

His head - no, his whole body feels really strange, as though something's been squeezing it all this time, and now it's stopped and he feels _huge_. Pins and needles race up his arms and legs, starting at his hands and feet and prickling so hard it feels like he's on fire. It's the burning dream turned real, and he screams and screams, because he can feel _everything_. The cold of the ground, and the little huffs of breeze going past him; the rub of his clothes against his skin and even his hair as it brushes against his head. It's as though he's been numb this whole time and suddenly he can feel again, and it's _too much_. It's utterly overwhelming: every nerve flooding his senses with a rush of information.

He's not sure when he closed his eyes, but suddenly he can feel the pressure of his eyelids squeezed tightly shut, and for a moment there's something else - a weight to his body which feels alien and not at the same time. His eyes flicker and there's a bright light above him - but then it's gone, and he's lying in a heap on the floor in the building and Hikari's shaking his shoulder, begging him to wake up.

The light has changed. It's dark outside the windows, and the dry, parched feeling in his throat is a lot worse. He opens his mouth to ask what happened, but instead of talking all he can do is cough and choke. Hikari helps him sit up, and offers him a cup of water, which he gulps down gratefully before stopping to wonder where she got it from.

"What happened?" he asks, looking around. He spots something wrong. "Where's Poyomon?"

Hikari looks over to somewhere behind him, and he turns around expecting to see his companion. He does _not_ expect to see a small, white something-or-other with four legs and two longish ears.

"Takeru?" it says, and takes a faltering step towards him. Its face is a mask of worry.

His jaw drops, and for a split-second he panics - it's not Poyomon at all. Hard on the heels of that thought is a second one: No, of course it's not Poyomon. It's _Tokomon_.

Somehow, he's sure that Tokomon and Poyomon are the same friend. And with that knowledge comes another wave of fleeting memories, too many to take in all at once. But the overall feeling is that he's happy and relieved and excited, and…

Takeru's eyes go wide as one last memory settles over him. He's shouting at Tokomon, arguing with his closest friend and telling him to leave. Why would he do that? Why would he want Tokomon to go away?

Nothing makes any _sense_. Everything keeps changing, and now there are strange things happening in his head and Hikari is glad he's remembering them but _he's_ not. Everything he's 'remembering' is bad and horrible and makes his head hurt and he doesn't want any of it. Especially because he still doesn't understand what's going on, or why he even _has_ these memories. Aren't they looking for the boy? What has this got to do with anything? Why can't they just find him and let everything go back to normal?

He blinks, and feels tears spill over and roll down his cheeks. No, he mustn't cry. He doesn't want to be a crybaby…

Another memory hits him, catapulted into his head by the feeling of tears. A small bat-like creature talks loudly at him by a lake. He _knows_ that lake, and not just because of the memory. He's seen it, seen it so recently that it hasn't even started to fade yet. They were there just that very morning, weren't they?

Half of him wants to insist this is all wrong, and that these new memories are just dreams, confusing him and scaring him because that's what dreams _do_. But they're starting to make a strange kind of sense - and he knows Hikari, and she say they met a long time ago. What if he hasn't always been at the cottage? What if there's a before?

If there is a before, and Hikari can remember it, why can't he? Why did he end up on his own?

A multitude of half-forgotten conversations with the man pepper his thoughts. _"Can you really be happy in this place, all by yourself?"_ Takeru freezes. The man _knows_. He's known the whole time in fact, and never told Takeru _anything_.

Takeru feels as though the whole world is coming unglued. Everything is too different; it's all changing so fast and he still can't keep up. Why won't anything make sense? Each time he gets a memory it just makes him more confused and upset, and even staring at Tokomon isn't reassuring any more, because while he was certain that Poyomon had always been with him, he's just as sure that he _hasn't_ always been with Tokomon. He's certain he was all alone, and that means he might be alone again, and right now he doesn't want to be alone _ever_.

He's shaking. His legs feel all wobbly and there's a floaty feeling in his head, and all he can think about is being alone, abandoned - and then suddenly he's not been abandoned at all, he's laughing and telling everyone to leave, that he doesn't need them or want them, and Hikari's there but she looks so _different_ , all tall and sad and scared, and someone's laughing and he thinks its him but it sounds so _wrong_. And the tall, black creature he knows is Devimon looms over everyone, laughing as well. Black wings spread wide, and something shoots towards the others - familiar faces which he does but doesn't know.

Hikari screams at him to stop, and it takes him a moment to realise that it's not the strange Hikari he can see who's calling him - it's the real one, and he's still in the building in the city, standing in the doorway with Hikari clinging to his arm. It's dark outside, and the fog is so thick it's like a wall, and Tokomon is hanging off his other arm, gripping his shirt sleeve with sharp teeth.

He blinks, and the rush of fear and anger fades, taking the memories with them and turning them into a small, uneasy feeling in the back of his mind. They're not gone - not completely - but they're smaller now, and all he really feels is a little confused.

"What happened?" he asks, looking between Hikari and Tokomon. "Why are we all by the door? It's really dark outside, and pretty cold. We should find somewhere warm."

Hikari lets go of him and takes a step back. She's staring at him with the strangest, most worried look on his face. "Takeru, you…you kept screaming for us to go away," she says. "And then you started to walk over here, and I was worried you'd get lost, but you couldn't seem to hear me."

He stares blankly at her. "I did? So…it wasn't real?"

"What wasn't real?" she asks, as Tokomon lets go of his other arm and drops to the floor.

Without really thinking about it, Takeru crouches down and picks the little creature up, holding him comfortably in his arms as though it's something he does all the time. He's not really sure how to answer Hikari's question, and he's still hungry and a little dizzy, and that's making it really hard to think properly.

"Let's find somewhere to sleep," Hikari says after a minute. "I found the water in the kitchen, so I'm sure we'll be able to find food when it gets light again."

She doesn't sound very convinced, but Takeru is so tired that he doesn't argue. Besides. He's starting to feel like he's been hungry and lost before, and things must have worked out okay then. And if they worked out before, that means there's every chance they will again this time. It's a comforting thought, and one he holds on to while they walk through the building, looking for a room that has something soft in it.

They find a room with sofas and an armchair, and both pick one to sleep on. Tokomon curls up next to Takeru, and it feels so right that Takeru starts to smile. Maybe there _are_ good things for him to remember, and he just has to find them. For the first time since the boy vanished, he finds himself drifting off to sleep in a good mood.

* * *

_He's burning, burning inside - heat racing through him, setting every part of him alight with pain. He screams and screams, until finally the pain fades away and there's no feeling at all. Everything is numb and heavy, and the world's gone grey and dark._

_For a long time, nothing happens, and then a voice he recognises asks if it's all over. He opens his eyes and looks up at a face half masked by a pair of dark glasses, with spiky dark hair. It almost looks a little worried, and that's strange, because this is not a face that has ever been worried before. He feels like laughing because really, it's quite pathetic. Only weak people worry._

_Something blurs, and he has the feeling that time has passed. He's standing on a balcony, looking out over a vast indoor space. The intruders are down below, foolish enough to think they can fight off his army and stop him. They'll learn soon enough._

_The battle rages, and they are driven back and back, their partners easily dispatched. Half of them can't even evolve here. They're fools, and they deserve to lose. But the stubborn little insects refuse to give up, and make their way towards the generators. He scowls, and turns to his partner._

_"Get rid of them."_

_A tall black figure grins wickedly, and spreads its black wings wide. It dives down, and he can see Hikari and the others on a screen, their faces contorted with fear and shock as Devimon attacks._

_He smiles._

* * *

Takeru almost screams from cold horror when he wakes up, but he's too shocked to even breathe. This isn't right. It isn't _right_. It _can't_ be right.

But it is. It's the same inexplicable certainty that gave him Tokomon's name, and it's telling him now that this is real. That it's always been real - every dream, every nightmare he's ever had, they're all things which happened somehow. His heart is hammering loudly in his chest as Tokomon stirs beside him, and looks at him with a worried expression.

"Takeru, are you okay?" his partner says.

He stares back at Tokomon, horrified. He doesn't know what to do. Most of the nightmare doesn't even make any sense - he's lost whatever understanding of things he had while he was asleep. All he can really be sure of is that something bad happened, and it's all his fault.

Tokomon stares at him, looking worried, and suddenly the rush of emotions gets too much. It's not right for Tokomon to be worried about him when he…when he…

Hikari stirs, and that's enough to make the decision for him. He can't be here. He feels too awful to look at anyone. He's a terrible person and he doesn't deserve friends. No wonder he's been feeling so bad - he deserves it all and more. Acting on instinct, he grabs his bag and bolts for the door, not stopping, not lookingbehind him even when Tokomon calls out for him to stop, or when Hikari's voice joins the pleas for him to come back. Pleas which are so familiar that they hurt.

He runs outside and lets the dark fog swallow him up, tears rolling freely down his cheeks. He wishes it could make him disappear as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this was something of a rollercoaster to write. And to read, probably, but honestly I don't think there was any other way I could have done it, due to the fundamental nature of the forces at work in the narrative.
> 
> To make sure that everyone is rouughly on the same page - at this point, Takeru has had several of his memories triggered, but they're pretty much all isolated ones; flashes of scenes and feelings without anything to link them together or give them context. And of course, arriving like that there's no real way for him to process them properly, so a lot gets kinda lost again. It's sorta like flicking through a book and reading a paragraph here and there from odd pages at random.
> 
> I suppose it will also be clear by now that there is a lot of previous which has so far only been hinted at. I actually have the events written out in (mostly) chronological order in my files. If people are interested in seeing that, I can go back and edit it into something readable and post it as a sort of gargantuan author's note finale. Let me know!
> 
> Also! This is not meant to be an accurate portrayal of amnesia. I feel like I have to make that disclaimer, because I know it doesn't match up with any particular form of the condition. I kinda held off saying so at the start, but by now it's obvious that there is an amnesia-like thing going on. It's not that I'm just too lazy to do the research, I promise.


	17. Recognition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you to everyone who has left kudos or commented on the story. I've been kinda astonished (still!) at how well this story is being received, but I am very glad that people are enjoying it. Now I just have to hope I don't drop the ball over the next few chapters!

Takeru runs. He's dizzy and tired, and keeps stumbling, but he doesn't care. He doesn't want to stop, because all the time he's running he has to focus on not completely falling over, or on the growing pain in his side, or the rising nausea which is making everything spin…

He trips, and lands heavily on loose rocks and soil. It's too much work to get up again so he just lies there, staring vacantly at the ground before him while his hands and knees sting. It's not enough to distract him from the mess of thoughts in his head. Why is this real? Why does it have to be true? He doesn't even _understand_ \- but there's a certainty in his mind that anyone who's done what he has is the worst kind of person. Bad isn't the right word for it. No, it needs another word. A word like…like…

Terrible. Evil. _Unforgivable_. They pop into his head one after the other, and echo there as his memories replay, each one setting off more until his head is a mess of dark thoughts mixed with the shadows of past actions. Smiling as a black spire is raised. Watching and smiling as Devimon attacks and destroys towns, chasing and killing creatures. Black rings fly out to ensnare others and he watches, satisfied that everything is under his control. Watches as Devimon attacks his friends, again and again until an unfamiliar golden figure rises up before him, and strikes Devimon down. Watches as Devimon screams with rage and falls to the ground, glowing brightly and shrinking into…into Poyomon. _His_ Poyomon. It's enough to make Takeru feel sick.

And then there are the other memories, other certainties. The vague shape of a person he used to be, with friends and a partner who he's _betrayed_. A Takeru who fought against the same sort of darkness he now remembers unleashing on everyone. Memories of fighting, running, facing danger. Memories of a small orange creature with little wings, smiling at him. Memories of white wings dissolving into the night after fighting another, far larger Devimon whose existence makes what he's done to Tokomon so, _so_ much worse.

It's a patchwork past, and most of it is still missing, but Takeru sees all his friends - real people, with names and lives and partners he tried to destroy and now can't even remember properly. The shock of it is so great he can't even move. Why won't the ground just swallow him up right now, and make everything go away?

The ground is cold, and he can feel his skin going numb. Maybe he should let it - feeling nothing has to be better than feeling _this_. But the pain of lying on the rocky ground, and the grazes on his hands and knees won't fade. He just feels cold and sore, and…and… _hopeless_. Closing his eyes, he lets the memories wash over him. Lets himself sink into darkness. What else can he do?

* * *

_It's the crying boy dream again, he's sure of it. But the boy is gone. There's just an empty chair where he should be sitting, and somehow, that's the worst thing of all._

_Takeru waits, alone, staring at the place where the crying boy should sit. It's like a part of him is missing and he doesn't even know what that part could be. He wants to call out, and ask the crying boy to come back, but how can he do that when he doesn't even know who to call for?_

_He's alone._

_For a moment, he starts to feel angry. Didn't Hikari promise he wouldn't be alone? Well that promise is broken, because he_ is _now!_

_The anger fades away almost as quickly as it arrives. Yes, he's alone. But that's because he ran away. Is that why the crying boy is gone, too? Has he made everyone leave?_

_Nothing happens for a while. He's not sure how long, but it feels like ages and no time at all, both at once. Then, with a rush and a clatter, the crying boy stumbles into sight. He almost trips over the chair in his haste._

_"Takeru?" the boy says urgently, hands pressed against a clear surface of some sort. He looks away. "What happened?"_

_Shaking his head the boy looks back, raising his head to reveal an achingly familiar face. Clear blue eyes stare straight through him, overflowing with tears._

_"Come back, Takeru," the boy says softly, grief lacing every word. "You never gave up before - don't quit now."_

* * *

Takeru's eyes open onto the rocky ground once more, but this time there's no fog masking the distance. It's clear - the clearest day he can remember, and there's a steep wall in front of him with a strange symbol on it - a sun above a mountain. And then something in his head shifts, and he remembers the first time he saw this wall.

If he touches it now, will it take him back to that point? Will it undo all the terrible things that have happened, and let him be a Takeru who fights _against_ evil instead? He scrambles to his feet and staggers over. Nothing happens, which is odd because Takeru's pretty sure that something is meant to, even if he doesn't know what. The stone feels warm under his fingers though, not cold like the ground.

Why is he here? He looks around, but aside from the wall with the crest on, there's nothing familiar about this place at all. It's a narrow canyon, and the sky overhead is a brilliant blue. He can't even see a way in or out: is he trapped here?

Part of him feels as though that should worry him, but he's not worried at all. With his hand on the wall, he feels… _different_. As though, no matter what, somehow everything will work out okay in the end. It's a strange feeling, but it feels so right. He stares at the wall and the crest, wondering why, and then one more memory rises up out of the depths of his mind and slots into place.

Hope. That's the name of this feeling. It's a part of him, and it's been missing for so long that it's taken him until this moment to recognise it. But he knows what it is now; knows it's the crest that connects him to Tokomon. He wishes his companion - his _partner_ was with him. But Tokomon is with Hikari right now, because he ran away into the fog. How will he find them?

Takeru isn't sure where to go, but the crying boy doesn't want him to quit, and he won't. After all, he made a promise, didn't he? He has to find the boy. He might not be able to undo the bad things which have happened, but he _can_ keep this promise. It's what the Takeru from before would do, and he'd give anything to be that Takeru again.

There's only one way to go in the canyon, so Takeru sets off. Tired, hungry, and kinda thirsty, but that's not as important as keeping his promise. He can't give up. He _mustn't_ give up. The canyon goes on and on, but the walls start to get shorter, and that has to be a good sign. His head is clear in a way that he can't remember it ever being before - they might have been looking for the boy for days, but this is the first time he feels as though he's actually going to _find_ him.

It's hard work walking all on his own though, and he still feels kinda sick from not having eaten. He hopes he'll find the boy soon, because he's pretty sure that he's going to run out of energy if he has to walk much further. When the sun gets higher in the sky he stops and sits, looking around.

The walls of the canyon are short enough now that he could probably climb them if he had the energy. It's like a funnel, leading him down the right path. And it is right. He can feel it. Even though he's tired, and hungry, and his feet kinda ache from all the walking, he's sure he can carry on. He has a promise to keep.

He sits for a while before getting to his feet again. Staying in one place is no good - bad memories start welling up all the while he isn't doing something, and he doesn't want that. He doesn't want to think about the bad things any more, because if he stops and lets himself remember, he might not be strong enough to keep going.

The sun is high and hot by the time the canyon is little more than a hillock on either side of him. Rolling grassland spreads itself ahead. He walks on, and on, until finally he reaches the top of a hill, and there, nestled in a slight valley in front of him, is the cottage. It looks exactly as it always has, surrounded by outbuildings and gardens and a thick stone wall. Takeru starts running, but trips and falls and ends up rolling down the hill, bumping and yelling all the way down until he's dizzy. It's fast, and it's exciting, and when he picks himself at the bottom of the hill he can't help but smile.

After catching his breath he gets to his feet once more and walks into the gardens. It's tempting to go inside and look for something to eat, but he decides to walk around the gardens first. Somehow, he's both shocked and not surprised at all when he sees someone sitting by the pond.

"Hey!" he cries, and the figure turns around to reveal a familiar face framed by dark hair.

The boy's eyes go wide as he sees Takeru, and then the corner of his mouth lifts with the ghost of a smile. It falters a moment later, as Takeru stares at him. Something about the boy is familiar in a _different_ way, and suddenly he's reminded of Hikari, and how he knew her name all along without even realising it at first. Does he know the boy's name too?

It's the same and different. The boy's face seems to nudge at memories in his head, but not clearly. It takes Takeru a full minute of staring and searching his head, and throughout it all the boy stands stock still; frozen with a worried expression on his face.

"…Ken?" Takeru says at last. "You're Ken, aren't you."

The boy's eyes go wide once more, and he stands up and backs away around the edge of the pond.

"No, wait!" Takeru cries. "Don't go. I…I've been looking for you."

The boy stops walking, but looks down, not meeting Takeru's eyes. He looks _scared_. What can Takeru say? He's not even sure if the boy - if _Ken_ can talk. Although, Hikari can, so maybe…

"Where did you go?" he asks.

Ken shakes his head for an answer, closing his eyes tight. Takeru takes a step closer - he has a feeling his friend is about to run, and there's no way he wants to lose him again after only just having found him.

"It wasn't much fun without you," he says at last.

The boy looks up sharply, surprise written all over his face. Almost without seeming to notice, he brings up a hand and points to himself, as if to ask if Takeru is talking to him, and not some other mysterious person.

Takeru nods. "We…we're friends, aren't we?"

If anything, Ken looks even more shocked than before, and takes a step back. He looks away, and after a moment Takeru realises he's crying.

"What's wrong?" Takeru asks. He's worried now - Ken has always been shy, but he's never seemed so scared of him before.

Ken hangs his head, and clenches his fists. When he speaks, his voice is soft, and quiet, and miserable:

"I don't deserve friends."


	18. Conversation

Takeru stares at him. Part of him is just shocked that the boy… that _Ken_ can talk at all, and another part of him is trying to work out why his voice sounds so odd. Or why it's so much harder to remember that the boy has a name - that he's called Ken - than it was when he remembered about Hikari. She's just… that's who she is. But with Ken…he's _the boy_. It doesn't matter what his name is really, because all that matters is that he's Takeru's friend.

So now that he's staring at Takeru and looks scared, it feels like everything is all backwards and wrong. And what makes it worse is the nagging feeling in the back of his head that there's _another_ reason why the boy being scared of him is back-to-front, and he's not sure he wants to know why that is. His memories are bad enough already.

But there's one thing he is sure of.

" _Everyone_ should have friends," he says. The words seem to appear in his head without him thinking about them first: "It's…friendship is really important."

The boy flinches and wobbles. He turns to run, but he's stood too close to the edge of the pond and slips instead, falling and landing in the water with a huge splash.

Takeru races over to help. The water isn't deep, but the boy looks too shocked to get out by himself, so Takeru grabs his arm and pulls. The boy's face is a mixture of emotions as he's helped back up onto dry land. The mixture turns to an expression of shock as Takeru hugs him, ignoring the fact that the boy is utterly drenched.

"I'm glad you're safe," Takeru says. "You just disappeared, and then Hikari came and said we should look for you, and we looked _everywhere_. But you were here all the time. What happened?"

"Hikari?" the boy says, pulling away. "…You remember Hikari?"

Takeru's face falls. "I don't want to talk about remembering stuff," he says, trying to ignore the rising pressure in the back of his head. "Most of it's bad."

"I'm sorry," Ken says, backing away. "I'm…I'm so sorry. I didn't…"

"Why are you apologising?" Takeru says. "You haven't-"

He gasps as pain splits his skull, and clutches his head. Suddenly he's… he's in the _burning dream_ , strapped to a table and unable to move, and figure is looming over him, pressing something cold to the back of his neck. And then the scene shifts and the figure is stood out in the sun laughing at him - but he's not just a figure, he's got dark hair, and somehow Takeru knows who he is…

"Ken!" he cries, eyes opening just in time to see the boy turn and run. "Wait! Please don't go!"

Ken _doesn't_ stop, and Takeru takes off after him, chasing him through the gardens. He feels sick and dizzy, and he's still not sure how his friend can be the same tall, scary person in his memories, but somehow he's certain that if he loses him now, he won't ever be able to find him again.

They reach the gate, and Ken runs away from the cottage, out over the grass. There's a desert that way now - the grass thins out to sand just a short way ahead and Ken stumbles, falling and rolling over and over down a sand dune which Takeru is sure wasn't there a moment ago.

He catches up to his friend and grabs him, but Ken isn't running any more. He's curled up in a ball, sobbing.

Takeru lets go, and sits down beside him. The memories in his head are shoring up. Isolated fragments connect. It's not a full picture of his past, but it's getting there. He feels _different_. There's so much more of his life than he expected, for one.

"I think I remember now," he says, wrapping his arms around his knees. "Well, sort of. You did some pretty terrible things."

There's no reply, but Ken goes silent and still.

"So did I," Takeru adds, when he's sure Ken isn't going to say anything. "It was… you did something to me, right? I don't remember all of it, but there was something you put in my neck. It made me… well, a pretty awful person, to be honest."

More silence. Takeru takes a breath, and carries on:

"I wish I didn't have all these memories. I wish I hadn't done the things I've done. I'm not really sure how I'm going to explain myself to Tokomon, or Hikari, or the others…except, they already know, don't they? Everyone knows - they know more than _I_ do, because my head's still a mess trying to work out what happened, or…or even who I am. But Hikari still helped me. And she wanted to help _you_ , as well. And you're still my friend, even if you've done bad things."

Ken looks up. His eyes are red with tears, and he looks completely miserable.

"But you didn't remember me," he says, hardly meeting Takeru's eyes. "You wouldn't have been my friend if you had. If you'd known what I did to you…"

Takeru shrugs. "Maybe. But I'm glad I didn't remember, because you know what? I like being your friend. And I don't think you're a bad person any more. So, maybe you don't feel like you deserve friends. I'm not really sure I do either, to be honest. I…I made Tokomon do things which should _never_ have happened. Things I'd never forgive anyone else for, so I can't forgive myself either. And I hurt my friends - a lot. But Hikari and Tokomon seem to want to be my friends anyway, even after all that. And I'm the same with you."

Ken stares at him. "Why?"

Takeru frowns. It's hard, putting his feelings into words. Even now, when he feels as though he understands things so much _better_ than he ever could before, the words don't come easily. It takes him a few minutes to find a way to explain.

"Because, I don't think I can forgive myself," he says at last. "But I can forgive you."

Takeru frowns to himself. It's not a very good explanation, really, and he can tell by the look on Ken's face.

"I don't remember everything from before," he adds. "I feel like there's a huge part of me missing. And maybe some of the bad things you did are in that missing bit, but what I _do_ remember is you being my friend. I remember making those furniture forts, and climbing trees, and exploring together. I remember how you'd always try and give Poyomon half your food and then he'd give it back. I remember… I remember how _lonely_ it was, when I woke up one morning and you were gone. We looked everywhere, you know. Why did you leave?"

Ken looks down. "I didn't want to," he says. "But I'm not sure if I can explain what happened. Gennai said-"

"Who's Gennai?" Takeru says.

"Uhh…" Ken looks worried, and starts backing up. "I shouldn't have said that. I'm so sorry Takeru, I didn't- It's nothing, you don't have to worry…"

"Wait," Takeru says. The name sounds familiar. He's sure he's heard it before. And there's the vague shape of a person he associates with it - not much taller than him, who stands all hunched over and knows a _lot_. He frowns, straining to remember more, then gasps as a memory surfaces - sitting inside a house that looks a little like the cottage, only without all the furniture. Almost all his friends are there except Hikari, and their partners, and Gennai is telling them something about… about, well, he can't remember that part. But it feels like another piece of himself, slotting back into place. Of _course_ he remembers Gennai! Still…

"How do you know Gennai?" he asks, looking up at Ken. The boy wasn't there among his friends, he's sure of that. It was just the others, the ones who have always visited but never spoken, and another… a tall boy, whose presence presses on his mind, nagging and worrying at him. He can't remember what he looks like, but he's sure that it's important that he does-

"I met him," Ken says. "He…uh…He wanted to help you remember everything, but he couldn't. But you remember things now, so did he find a way?"

Takeru shakes his head. "I haven't seen Gennai in _years_ ," he says. "Not since I was eight. I started remembering things when we were looking for you. Everywhere we went turned out to be somewhere I'd already been before. And then, here you are, back where we started."

Ken looks down. "I…I'm glad, in a way," he says. "Glad you remember. At least _something_ good came out of it. I just wish…"

Takeru elbows his friend gently. "I don't think we can change what happened," he says, trying to smike. "But I don't think we want to be those people again, either."

"But I _can't_ escape it," Ken moans, shaking his head. "I'm not strong enough to get away. And more and more children will end up just the same, and it's all my fault!"

"What are you talking about?" Takeru asks, worried. He's pretty sure that none of what Ken's talking about fits into the gaps in his memory.

"The seed," Ken says, miserably. "He copied it, and he's doing the same thing to other children that I did to you."

" _Who_ is?" he asks, feeling the prickles of irritation. It's yet another mystery which no one will explain.

Ken stares at him, looking horrified. "I…oh no! You don't know that part. It happened after you came here. I shouldn't have-"

"Why won't anyone _tell_ me things?" Takeru cries, getting to his feet. "I just want to know what's going on, because ever since Hikari got here, it's like everyone has this secret they're keeping from me. And I'm tired, and hungry, and I'm fed up with being confused about everything. I just want…I want…" He blinks. What _does_ he want?

And there it is. Hazy in his mind at first, like a dream - a _real_ dream, not a memory pretending to be one - but getting stronger all the time, until the faces turn crisp and clear, and slot into place in his mind. It's the final piece, which makes the whole picture make sense, and suddenly he knows what's been missing. He knows who he is. He knows _everything_.

"Yamato," he says softly, thinking of a boy who sits and watches, and does nothing but cry. "I want my Onii-chan."

"He misses you," Ken says, his voice so quiet Takeru almost can't hear it. "A lot of people miss you."

And even amid the rush of his newly-restored memories, Takeru can't help but hear the sorrow in Ken's words, or the implication behind them. He sits down again, facing the other boy.

"People miss you as well," he says. "Your parents, your partner… your friends, too."

"Leafmon," Ken murmurs, turning pale. "I…I don't know what happened to him."

"Then we'll find him," Takeru says, leaning over to rest a hand on Ken's shoulder. He smiles as Ken looks up, and adds:

"I promise."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First up, thank you sooo much to everyone who has left a comment, or bookmarked, or given kudos. It just continues to make my day, and generally be pretty overwhelming.
> 
> Secondly, this is definitely the part of the fic that I have been most nervous about reaching, because suddenly the answers are arriving, and I'm left hoping that they're good enough to match all this build-up and anticipation!
> 
> Honestly, this conversation took waaay too long to write given how long it is, and how long it usually takes me to do dialogue. I really hope that it makes sense, because honestly, I've had the whole plot in my head for so long that it's a little hard to see it from the perspective of someone who doesn't. This is probably why sensible people have beta readers. Oh well. Pleeease let me know if I've dun goofed and this doesn't make sense! (Or even if it does make sense, because feedback of all kinds is very much welcome!)
> 
> Basically, by this point it should be more-or-less obvious what has happened, and who everyone is, with only the mysterious person Ken refers to (hmm, who could that be?) and the nature of the world left as unanswered questions.
> 
> Also, I had previously mentioned a timeline of events that I was going to post at the end of this fic. I may still do that, but for Reasons (which will become clear in a week or three), it will quite possibly be a sort of truncated version. Hopefully it'll all come together in the next couple of chapters anyway. Or, I may post the full timeline to my tumblr when I complete Metanoia rather than have it attached to a fic. Decisions are hard.


	19. Questionable Answers

Promises are important, but as Takeru heads back to the cottage with Ken, it occurs to him that he has no idea how to keep this one. He hasn't ever seen Leafmon - in all honesty, he can hardly remember Ken's partner at all. Much as he feels like his whole memory is intact, if he stops and focuses there are still quite a few hazy patches. Especially from the recent past.

The biggest gap is the one after…after the golden digimon defeated/saved his partner. He remembers being angry and shocked; remembers racing over to the tiny white blob lying alone in the sand; remembers his friends gathering closer - only he remembers knowing they _weren't_ his friends at that point, because he shouted and screamed at them and then… and then the next thing he remembers is the cottage, and the certainty that he'd always been there.

Ken doesn't say anything as they walk back to the garden, but that's okay because Takeru isn't sure what to say either. It's overwhelming to know that he has a whole life outside the cottage, and a family larger than just his partner. He has _friends_ \- or at least, he used to have friends. He's not sure if the others will be able to forgive him the same way Hikari apparently has.

And then there's Yamato. His chest tightens as he thinks about his brother. The brother he forgot - it doesn't matter that he forgot _everything_ , because all he can think about is the fact that Yamato has been there this whole time, watching over him. That somehow, the crying dreams were all real. And in return, he's the last person Takeru remembered about. The guilt nags at him; more regret to weigh him down.

They stop outside the cottage, and sit on the same wall that Ken was sitting on when Takeru first saw him.

"I, uh…don't suppose you know how to get out of here, do you?" Takeru asks after a moment. "We walked quite a long way, and I didn't ever find an end to this place. I don't actually know where we _are_."

Ken shakes his head. "It's not a real place, I know that much. But…I just woke up here, and I only managed to leave the last time because…" He falls silent. "I'm not sure if I should tell you or not. When I saw Gennai, he mentioned that shocks kept making you forget things again."

Takeru feels an uncomfortable sensation all down his back, like someone has poured ice on his spine.

"How…how long have I been here?" he asks. "And what do you mean by it not being a real place?"

Ken's face twists with worry, but he's saved from having to answer because at that moment, Hikari's voice cries out:

"Takeru! And… _Ken_? Is that you?"

They turn quickly, and see Hikari standing by a corner, holding not Tokomon but _Patamon_ in her arms. His bag is slung on her back. He's not sure what to say, but a moment later that problem is solved for him because Patamon leaps into the air and flies over, crashing into him with enough force that he falls off the wall and lands on the grass beyond it.

"Takeru!" Patamon cries. "You ran away, and we were so worried about you! And then we found your bag all alone and we got even _more_ worried! You have to stop running off like that!"

Takeru clings to his partner, not trusting himself enough to speak. It takes a while for the words to form in his head, but once they do they're all he can think; all he can say, over and over:

"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry Patamon. I'm sorry for _everything_. I-"

"It wasn't your fault," Patamon says. "I know that. You wouldn't have done any of those things if you hadn't had that dark seed in you."

Takeru looks past his partner to where Ken is watching. The other boy looks as though he wants the ground to open up and swallow him whole.

"And it wasn't your fault either," Patamon says, flying out of Takeru's arms to land on the wall beside Ken. "Hikari told me what happened."

Ken shakes his head. "It _is_ all my fault though," he says. "All the things I did-"

"Ken, you were being manipulated too," Hikari says, walking over. "We _all_ know that. And Leafmon's safe. He found us at school and explained what happened. Where are you? We don't know where to look."

"He's okay?" Ken asks, relief lighting up his face.

Takeru gets to his feet, looking alternately between his two friends. He has the uncomfortable feeling that he's the only one who doesn't know what's going on again.

"What are you talking about?" he asks, scooping Patamon off the wall and hugging him to his chest. "Ken's right here. And… now I think about it - Patamon, how did you evolve? You were with Hikari, not me."

They all stare at him, and he can feel that fizz of irritation again at the guilty expressions on their faces. There _is_ something going on, and no one seems to want to tell him anything. He's about snap that he's getting pretty tired of being left out of the loop when he realises that the odd look on Hikari's face isn't so much guilt as _pity_. The irritation fizzes out, leaving him worried instead. Very worried.

She clasps her hands together, and looks away, down at the floor. "It's not easy to explain," she says. "A lot happened after…well."

"After Magnamon defeated Devimon and destroyed the spiral," Ken says. He keeps his head down, not meeting Takeru's eyes. "You didn't go back to normal the way everyone expected you to. With me, once I realised what was going on the seed lost its power. But…Gennai thinks that because the one in you is a copy, and you were technically data when it took over… there were complications."

"What kind of complications?" Takeru asks, although he's starting to wonder whether or not he really _does_ want to know. There's a knot in his stomach, twisting uncomfortably.

"It spread," Hikari says, looking up. "We…we got you back to Gennai, and he said that because the seed was data, and you were as well, it didn't stay just in your neck. It was everywhere. Like…like a virus taking over."

The memory of searing pain and numbness makes him flinch. Is _that_ what he keeps remembering during the burning dream? He feels sick. Knowing just how real his dreams really were is almost enough to make him never want to sleep again.

"But…it's fixed now, right? I'm okay again?" he says, hating the unsteadiness in his voice.

Hikari nods slowly. "Well, Gennai made a counter to the seed. Like an…well, _actually_ an anti-virus. But it… Koushiro said it's like a computer, seeing as we're data while we're in the digital world. There was no way to make it work without...uhh..." She trails off into silence, clasping her hands awkwardly and refusing to meet his eyes.

Takeru's mind is racing, trying to understand. There's a big part of the explanation missing, and without it he's left reaching for answers - and he keeps falling short. How is he supposed to know what's going on when even his friends don't seem able to put it into words?

"She's worried because Gennai tried telling you all this before," Patamon says after a moment. "But you got angry and forgot, so now they think it might happen again. I know it won't this time, though."

Takeru stares down at his partner. "But I haven't seen Gennai since we gave up the power in our crests."

Hikari clears her throat. "Uh…the man. I don't know _how_ exactly, but that's what Gennai looks like now."

He stares at her, agape. The man is _Gennai?_ It sounds impossible at first, but as he thinks the idea over it slots into place in his mind like another piece of a jigsaw he's only just starting to see the holes in again. And now that he _can_ see the holes, each one is a question he's scared to ask: he knows how bad the answers could get. He's already responsible for turning his own partner into a monster and betraying his friends. How many more terrible things wait for him in the hidden parts of his mind?

"How long?" he asks suddenly. It's a stupid question really - knowing how long he's been here won't change anything. Won't undo the damage, or get him out of here, or make that awful moment where he has to face his friends and family magically disappear. But it's a lot better than the alternatives he can think of. It beats 'Where are we then?' or 'What exactly _did_ Gennai do to me then?' hands down.

Ken and Hikari look at each other. Takeru is pretty sure the matching expressions they wear aren't a good sign.

"How long do you think it's been?" Hikari asks. She sounds hesitant and wary.

The knot in his stomach is clenching tightly. Takeru doesn't want to think about this. He doesn't want to stand there and try to piece it all together - he's already regretting the question because the longer he thinks about it the more he realises he has no idea at _all_. Counting days is next to impossible when they're all practically the same.

But now he does have to think about it. So how bad can it be?

"…A few weeks?" he says hesitantly. Surely it can't be worse than-

"Three months," Hikari says, her voice flat. "Plus a couple of weeks if you mean since the point you were captured."

Takeru doesn't realise his legs have buckled until he lands heavily on the ground, still clutching Patamon tightly. His partner squeaks a protest, but he feels frozen in place. _Three months?_ Three months in a strange place, away from everyone? Yamato appears in his mind - hunched over on a chair with his head in his hands, crying. Day after day. _Begging_ him to come back. But how could he see him sitting there like that unless… This world isn't real, and no one wants to tell him exactly what that means.

"I…I'm-"

"In a coma," Ken says, his voice barely audible. "We all are."

"But you see, that's what I don't understand!" Hikari says, turning to him. "I know how Takeru and I got here - and Patamon of course - but Ken, you…you're missing. How did you end up in here too?"

Takeru just sits there, holding tightly to his partner. He's losing track of the conversation again and he hates the feeling that he's several steps behind everyone else. Three months of his life have just disappeared into a haze of what are apparently coma dreams, and he can't even be sure his friends are really _friends_ any more. If he's in a coma, doesn't that make everyone just a figment of his imagination? But if that's true, how can he trust anything they've said at all?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, this chapter was an absolute pig to write, and in all honesty, I'm still not entirely happy with it. It's actually been surprisingly hard to shift from 01 Takeru to 02 Takeru and not make it seem completely out of place. There is a definite tone shift which has to accompany that, and after so long writing Young!Takeru, it's hard for me to judge how much of a shift there ought to be.
> 
> But oh well! It's a necessary stage in the story. I knew from the outset that it was going to happen at some point, and that it would be a challenge because I don't typically write in present tense. With any luck the shift isn't too jarring!


	20. Turning Point

"Takeru, are you okay?" Hikari asks. Or at least, the thing which _looks_ like Hikari - but could well just be a part of the strangest, most awful dream he's ever had.

But if this Hikari and Ken _aren't_ real, how can he believe them when they tell him he's in a coma? Do people in comas know what's going on? And if he's _not_ in a coma, there's a chance they could be real after all, right? His head feels like a mess of thoughts, caught in a loop that circles round and round and round.

"Takeru," Patamon says firmly.

He stares at his partner. Is _Patamon_ even real?

"I…I… Why is this _happening_?"

"Takeru, listen to me," Hikari says, her voice just as firm as Patamon's.

She's walked over to crouch beside him, hands wrapped around her own waist. He stares at her, wondering why his imagination made her eight years old again - why it made _Ken_ eight years old. Apparently his head is even more messed up than he'd ever known, but even so-

"I'm real, okay? I know what you must be thinking right now, but I _promise_ this is real." Hikari looks serious - as solemn as she's ever looked before. "What Gennai did… You'll have to ask him or Koushiro about it all later, but when he gave you the anti-virus it wasn't as simple as just getting it out of you. So he made _this_ place. It's sort of… our bodies stay behind in the digital world, but we are here."

Takeru isn't sure he can believe her, even if she _does_ look far more real than he thinks his imagination could make her. She's wearing the same clothes, but there are little details he's sure he would have forgotten. Like her being taller than him - or the whistle around her neck, which seems a pretty odd thing for an eight year old girl to have, really. If she ever did explain that one to him, it's one of those memories he's still lost.

"Are you listening to me, Takeru?" she asks, and he realises he isn't. Not properly. His head is still trying to wrap itself around the coma/not a coma problem.

He blinks at her.

"Why am I here?" he asks blankly. After all, real or not, it's still nice to have someone to talk to.

Hikari sighs. "It was the only way to save you," she says, her voice soft. "When Gennai purged the virus, it…all your memories were tangled up in it. Everything that makes you _you_. If he'd just completely flushed it out, all that would have been lost too. The only way was to send you here. To split off that part of your data and keep it safe, and let the anti-virus clear it piece by piece. Except, even after Gennai did that, you didn't seem to remember anything. So then it was safer to let you stay here until you _did_ remember something."

Real or not, he doesn't see any point in arguing. If it's true, and this is Hikari, she wouldn't lie to him. If it isn't…well, what difference will it make? Even imaginary friends are better than no friends at all.

"So why are you here now?" he asks her.

She turns around and looks at Ken, who is watching them both with an odd expression on his face. He seems worried about something.

"Leafmon told us Ken was taken prisoner by… well, the _real_ cause behind all of this.. He's missing. And Gennai said you'd mentioned a boy being here with you. It was the only lead we had, so I came to help, seeing as you didn't really trust Gennai. We… we really need you back, Takeru." She gets to her feet. "You too, Ken. We can't fight them without you both."

Ken stares at her, and takes a step back. "But… I can't. Leafmon is too small, and…and…" He looks down at the ground. "They don't trust me. Why should they? It's all my fault, and now he's using the seed to do the same thing again-"

"What do you mean?" Hikari asks. "And who are you talking about? Leafmon told us that _Archnemon_ kidnapped you."

Ken nodded. "She's working for someone else."

"So, if you were kidnapped, how did you end up here?" Takeru asks. He's still completely lost, but at least now he doesn't seem to be the only one. There's a comfort of sorts in the fact that he _and_ Hikari don't understand something.

Ken looks down. "They…they copied the seed and they're putting it in more children," he says morosely. "And they're keeping me in the digital world so I can't escape. Without my D3…"

Hikari nods. "We found it in your bedroom. Where are you? We can get you out, but we need to know where to look."

Takeru feels a little like this _must_ be a dream, because suddenly everything seems to be happening at once, and he's just stood at the sidelines watching it all unfold around him. That's how dreams work, isn't it? They don't really make sense, and yet everyone else understands things perfectly.

_Three months_ , he thinks, suddenly. It's a long time to have been here - long enough that of _course_ things will have moved on without him. It doesn't have to be a dream for him to have missed out on the information which would help him make sense of it all. He's been stuck here, and all the while the others have been fighting some new evil.

Is there even a place for him among his friends any more? Hikari says they need him, but how can that be true? He betrayed them, hurt them - _attacked_ them. Part of him just wants to run away again, because he can hear Hikari talking about going back right now and he's not sure he can face what that means. He's not sure he can stand there in front of everyone after what he's done and look them in the eye. What if they hate him? Why _shouldn't_ they hate him?

He stands up, and finds himself taking small steps backward, away from the conversation by the wall. It's not that he wants to run away again - he wants his life back, he wants to see his family again - but this is all happening too fast. It's too much to take in when he's still trying to make sense of the past that's only just reappeared in his head. Knowing that he has friends, and family, and a life that's more than just the cottage is different to having to go back and _live_ it. Patamon stays quiet, but he can feel his partner's eyes on him, waiting to see what Takeru will do next.

It would be easy - _too_ easy - to pretend he can't remember anything again, and let them leave. Let them work it out without him, and stay here where things are safe. The cottage never changes, and he's got Patamon to talk to now. He doesn't have to face everyone if he doesn't want to. He could stay here forever, couldn't he?

But if he stays, what would happen to Ken? He's never heard of this Archnemon person, but she certainly sounds like bad news. If everything they've said is true, if it really _is_ Hikari stood over there - and he badly wants it to be, not least because it would mean he really is holding his partner in his arms - then it sounds like Ken needs all the help he can get.

What kind of friend would he be if he backed out now? And besides. He promised Hikari they would find him. They found him _here_ , certainly. He practically tripped over him. But the promise weighs on his mind. It doesn't properly count until they've found him _everywhere_.

Promises are important. He's always known that, even when he couldn't remember everything else. You have to keep them. And if he can't keep his promise by staying here, he doesn't really have a choice. He has to go - the decision has been made for him once more.

The conversation has ended. He's missed the important part, probably, but it's okay. He can't really remember where everything in the digital world is anyway. He's not even sure who they'll be fighting, frankly, but that's okay too. His newly restored memories are full of moments like that. Indecision, fear, uncertainty: it's nothing new. The odds against them were always impossible, and they always won anyway.

And maybe - just maybe - if he does the right thing then it will offset some of the crushing guilt that's weighing him down, too. He takes a deep breath.

"So what do we do now?"

Hikari and Ken stare at him. He can feel his legs shaking a little: there's no way he's ready for this. Not to face everyone; not to leave whatever this place is; not to see if he can still fight and be part of a team. But his friend is in danger and he made a promise to find him.

"Now we wake up, I guess," Hikari says. "Gennai's been keeping us under this whole time, so we just have to let him know we're ready to go back."

Takeru frowns. "But what about Ken? How does he wake up?"

Ken looks away. "I'm not sure I can," he says. "It wouldn't do much good, anyway. There's a guard, and I…"

The last traces of his indecision fizzle away. Ken _needs_ them. And he recognises the expression on his friend's face, too. It's the look of someone who doesn't really believe things will work out. Someone who's given up.

"Well, it's only one guard, right?" Takeru says. "So it's nothing we can't handle. We'll get you out."

Hikari nods. "We can bring you back to Gennai. Even if you can't…he'll know what to do. He's always come through before."

"It won't stop him," Ken says. "They don't really need me any more - that's why there's only one guard."

"Then once we find you, we find _him_ , and put a stop to it once and for all," Hikari says firmly.

Takeru nods in agreement, although doesn't really have any clue what's going on. Right now that's not important. He's about to leave Ken here alone, and he knows what that feels like.

"We're coming back, Ken," he says. "I promise."

Hikari smiles. "Now _that's_ the Takeru I remember."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. So, this is kinda the point at which I admit that when I had the plot bunny for this fic, the idea was to stop around about here. It was, primarily, an AU in which Ken infects someone with a dark seed instead of creating Chimairamon/Kimeramon, and the thought was that once Takeru overcomes that, it sorta ties back into the events of the timeline, and a quick summary would outline how that works. Job done, end of fic, hurrah.
> 
> Except, the longer I stewed on it, the less sense that ultimately made. Changing that one thing would set off a huge chain reaction of other differences - several of which I had already acknowledged in my initial plan. Ultimately, I knew that to end the story here would be both ambiguous and deeply, deeply unsatisfying. Finishing with a quick summary of the rest of everything? Laaaame.
> 
> The long and short of it is that, no. Fic does not end here. However, this does make a good place for me to pause a little bit and collect my thoughts on how to actually write the next part. I'm also starting a companion fic to this story, inspired by the Digimon Adventure Bang (check them out on Twitter and Tumblr). It means rewinding back to before the start of Metanoia, and having those events nailed down will make writing the next part of this story a lot easier.
> 
> I'm not calling it a hiatus exactly, because I've always written multiple stories in parallel and I have every expectation I'll be updating again before long. But there is a deadline to the Bang, and that means I really need to knuckle down and thrash out that story for a bit. Updates over here might take a bit longer for a little while as a result.
> 
> I won't be writing another "drop you in the middle and make everything super confusing" fic. One mind screw is enough to be working on at a time, so the companion will be a lot more straightforward, and by its nature will explain plenty of things which are still a mystery in Metanoia (for a few more chapters, at least). If you don't want to be "spoiled", feel free to completely ignore Renascent when I post the first chapter. (This might not be for a day or two because it's my son's birthday soon and life is Super Hectic.)


	21. Awakening

Takeru isn’t sure that Ken really believes him, but he doesn’t know what else he can say or do. Nothing in his head is certain any more, and it’s all he can do to think past the imminent future, and the prospect of _waking up_. How will it work? Can he _really_ be sure that Hikari is telling the truth, and isn’t just a figment of his imagination? And if she is… what will he wake up to?

A part of him still wants to stay here, at the cottage, where everything is safe and familiar. How can he face the others after everything that’s happened? He misses his old life, but that’s not what he’s going back to. He _can’t_ go back to that. Even if everyone forgives him - and he really doesn’t feel as though he deserves their forgiveness - there’s still the fact that he’s missed three months of everyone’s lives. Three months of his _own_ life.

As they say their farewells to Ken, and Hikari leads him out of the cottage’s gardens, he thinks he can understand the look on Ken’s face all too well. It’s not just that Ken has given up hope. He has a feeling that in some way, the other boy doesn’t _want_ to be saved.

_No one should feel like that_ , Takeru tells himself, as he walks around the side of the cottage and realises where they are headed. But as he stares at the snow-covered hill which he never used to understand, he can’t help but relate.

* * *

They stand in a circle free of snow, warm and dry in the middle of the cold hilltop. He’s not surprised that they never found it before - Poyomon and the cheerful boy he used to be. It’s a fair walk through the snow, and easy to miss unless you know where you’re headed. Hikari rubs her arms, and doesn’t quite meet his eyes.

“What now?” he says after a moment. His voice sounds wrong now. Too young. But at the same time, he’s not sure what would make it sound _right_. He can’t remember what he sounded like before being in this strange place. It’s an uncomfortable thought.

“Now you wake up,” Hikari says, making him blink. “I… Gennai’s keeping me asleep so I can be here, so I can’t wake up until you let him know I’m ready to come back, but you can wake up on your own. You just have to want to, I think. Well, that’s what Gennai said, anyway.”

“I could have woken up at any time?”

She shakes her head, looking down at Patamon as she speaks. “No. He, um, kept you under at first. Until he was sure the virus was gone. And you needed to remember, anyway. Otherwise you wouldn’t know where to wake up _to_.”

“It’s okay,” Patamon says. “I’ll be with you wherever you are, Takeru.”

He stares down at his partner, not sure what to think. He has to _want_ to wake up? How can he manage that when an unknown future awaits him, full of people he’s wronged - people who should hate him for what he became? He’s not ready for this. Part of him is already wondering if he’ll _ever_ be ready. How is he supposed to push past that and want to confront everyone, when it’s the most intimidating, terrifying prospect he can think of?

“Takeru,” Hikari says, and he looks back up to see her smiling sadly at him. “Go home. Yamato’s waiting for you.”

It hits him - _really_ hits him. Yamato is the crying boy. He’s been there all along, by his side. Broken by worry and an endless wait but steadfast, all the same.

_Come back, Takeru._

He closes his eyes, and lets the weight of reality take hold.

* * *

It’s hard, opening his eyes. They feel heavy - _everything_ feels heavy. The lights overhead are too bright. And it’s loud. The bleeping of machines and a steady, thumping roar which he belatedly realises is his own pulse. A heartbeat he’d forgotten all about in that other place. He’s _real_. Real in a way he’s sure he couldn’t have imagined before spending months outside his own body. It’s impossible to doubt Hikari now.

_Hikari. She’s still there. I have to tell Gennai!_

He tries to sit up and fails, wrestling with a body which feels as though it’s made of lead. Nothing works. Nothing moves. Panic sets in, sending the paired thumps of his heartbeat racing ever faster. Why can’t he move? Is he trapped again? What’s going on?

A cacophony of sound explodes somewhere nearby. A sharp hammering, accompanied by a voice he knows all too well - Yamato’s here somewhere, screaming his name. It’s so loud it _hurts_. More voices start, the words jumbling together as they overlap. There’s too much noise; too much feeling; too much of _everything_ , and he can’t move. He can’t stop it. Turn it off! Turn it off! Make it go away!

“LET ME IN THERE!” his brother screams, but somehow his voice is further off. Further and further until it stops altogether, and there’s just the roaring of his pulse; the bleep of machinery; and soft-loud footsteps, drawing closer.

“Takeru,” a familiar voice says, speaking in little more than a whisper. It still seems too loud, but everything is settling now. The roaring in his ears is fading. The lights are less blinding.

“Takeru, please blink if you can hear me.”

It takes him a moment to register the words, but then he’s blinking - because of course just one blink sets off a chain of them. It’s as though he isn’t in control of his body at all, and that’s not a comforting thought.

“Okay, now, try to stay calm. I understand that this must be very disorienting, but you have to give yourself a chance to settle back into your body. You’ve been away for quite some time you know.”

Who _is_ that? He knows the voice, he’s sure of it. But he can’t quite place who it belongs to. The words make sense though. He _has_ been away. All that time in the other place, he never felt as solid as he does now. Never felt so heavy, or tired.

There’s movement by his head, and the face of his partner looms in front of him. Patamon. Patamon’s here, just like he said he would be. He’s not alone.

The weariness in his too-heavy body rises up, pulling his eyelids down. The lights above him glow faintly through his eyelids. Real. All of it real. As real as the sleep which takes him; honest and dreamless.

* * *

Waking is unlike anything in the other place. It’s slower, easier. A gentle awareness of his surroundings which settles over him until his eyes open to see the lights once more - set into the ceiling. He blinks, feeling lighter than before but no less substantial, and then _moves_. It’s not easy - everything feels stiff and sore and underused, but he can turn his head to one side and make out the bleeping machine, then slowly look the other way and see the sleeping form of Patamon on his pillow. Small chest rising and falling.

It’s real. The thought is so strange it’s all he can make room for in his mind. It’s real. All of it. Not a dream. Not an illusion. It won’t… it won’t change. Everything will stay the same. If he gets up - if he _can_ get up - he can go outside and see a world which doesn’t change all the time, even if it is only the digital world, and not Earth.

Somehow he can’t bring himself to specify Earth as being “the real world” any more. He knows reality and this is it. Digital or flesh, there’s nothing make-believe about where he is now.

He curls his fingers, then straightens them, wishing his body felt stronger. It’s as though every movement is through some thick, viscous material.

_Three months_ , he thinks. _That’s how long they said I was…wherever that was. I haven’t moved in three months._

The thought settles over him ahead of a more worrying successor - if it’s this hard to move his fingers, how is he meant to walk? How can he get up and keep his promises? There’s danger - an enemy he needs to fight, and here he is, hardly able to move?

Panic lends him energy, and he forces aching limbs into action. Lift the arms, push down with the hands, slide his body upright-

-Land heavily back on the bed with a grunt of discomfort. It’s too much. He can’t lift himself. Everything works, but it’s too weak to be of any use.

The warm presence by his head stirs.

“Takeru?” Patamon says sleepily. He turns his head in time to see his partner stretch out on the pillow beside him. “You’re awake!”

He blinks and nods, not trusting himself to speak. He hasn’t in _three months_ \- and he can’t remember what his voice sounds like. He’s not sure he’s ready to find out. The only memories he has of speaking in this world are of hurling threats at his friends. The thought that he might still sound like that is terrifying.

Patamon sits up beside him, watching him with a gentle smile. “I said I’d be here, didn’t I?”

It’s all he can do to smile. He wants to cry. They’re back, and Patamon’s here, and really, he feels like the luckiest, most undeserving person in the whole world. After everything - all he’s done - Patamon is still here. He's still got his partner by his side

Something moves, outside his field of vision. He turns his head downward, towards his feet and the source of the noise, and gasps.

Yamato.

There’s a chair at the foot of the bed he’s lying in, and Yamato’s in it, head lolled forward, slouching in such a way that he doesn’t fall out while he sleeps.

But he’s stirring now, shifting in place as he wakes. Takeru is gripped with a sudden urge to feign sleep again, and put off the looming confrontation in his mind. He’s sure in his gut that Yamato won’t be angry and that just makes it worse because he _should_ be. He doesn’t deserve kindness, or a brother who has spent three months waiting for him to come back to a body and a life he’d forgotten all about.

Patamon nudges him, then takes to the air and lands by Yamato’s feet.

“He’s awake,” his partner says.

Takeru doesn’t know whether he wants to laugh or cry. And as Yamato’s head snaps up and their eyes meet, he suspects his brother feels exactly the same.

A moment later the question is answered as his brother’s eyes fill with tears. But there’s no sobbing this time. The answer is _both_. It's somewhere between joy and sorrow. Where relief and shock mingle freely with the weight of the time that’s passed. And then there’s tension, and Yamato practically launches himself out of the chair and across the room.

His brother’s arms do what his own can’t, and lift him upright into a hug so tight he can hardly breathe. He’s pretty sure he’s never seen Yamato move so fast.

“You’re back,” Yamato says, choking the words out past tears. “You came _back_.”

The words rise up as soon as he realises the truth of them, although it turns out his voice is little more than a whisper, scratchy and dry with disuse:

“You asked me to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, this has been a while coming, as I am furiously trying to get my digimon bang fic completed on time (it's currently about as long as Metanoia, so fear not - there's plenty to look forward to, and it fills in several of the gaps).
> 
> Anyway, after so long with my head stuck in that fic, I needed a break of sorts, and this was the most productive side-track I could think of. I hope it's suitably emotive. I almost cut off earlier, so that I could give the initial reunion a full chapter but, well. Honestly, I've been waiting to write this for SO LONG. 
> 
> I've also put together a playlist of what is kinda the soundtrack to this series. It's 15 of the tracks I listen to most often while writing it, to help keep the tone of my writing consistent. If anyone fancies a listen (hey, you never know), [here's a link!](https://soundcloud.com/tottwriter/sets/trinacriform) It's not a complete list, but it offers a pretty good representation of the tone I'm going for overall.
> 
> I'm not sure how long it'll take me to get to the next chapter - I have a ridiculous amount of Renascent left to write before the deadline. But I'm not gone! I'm making progress, even if it is on a so-far-invisible fic. And I hope you enjoyed this update!


	22. Convalescence

Yamato doesn’t let go. And as much as his head is spinning, and the guilt is already welling up in his gut, Takeru doesn’t want him to. He just wants this moment not to stop; for it to just be him and Yamato, and to forget about the reason _why_ his brother is holding him so tightly it’s actually a little hard to breathe, or why Yamato’s tears are making his shoulder damp. He’s got his brother back and that’s all that matters.

For a few minutes, neither of them speak. It’s almost as much as Takeru can manage to lift his arms and hug Yamato back _anyway_. But once the memory of _why_ he’s there takes root in his mind, Takeru can’t get rid of it, and it builds and builds until it’s all he can think of. He lets his arms drop, and takes as deep a breath as he can manage.

“I’m sorry.”

It comes out as a whisper, but that’s more than enough for Yamato to cling even tighter, shaking his head.

“ _No_. No no no,” Yamato mumbles into his shoulder. “You don’t apologise Takeru. This wasn’t your fault. _None_ of it was. I’m just…I’m so glad you’re alright.”

Yamato is crying again, and Takeru wants him to stop because it’s all wrong—it _was_ his fault, and Yamato shouldn’t be crying still because that was all part of the nightmares in that other place, and his head is still just jumbled enough that it’s making him scared this is all part of a dream and he’s going to wake up there, still alone save for Poyomon.

And there’s a part of him which still feels eight years old, and it just wants to cling to the fact Yamato is telling him everything’s okay, because to that part of him, Yamato is his whole world—strong and brave, and if he says everything will be okay that has to be true. But now Yamato’s crying, and that’s not what his brother _does_.

It feels as though he’s torn in half—no, into _three_. Into the Takeru who always lived in the cottage, happy and carefree; the Takeru who somehow managed to help save the world, and the Takeru who became a monster, turning on his friends, his partner…everyone. And nowhere in that muddle is there any room for him to work out which of them is the real one. All he can be sure of is the growing certainty that this is his future—this mess in his head isn’t going to leave him, and he’s got to sort it all out by himself somehow. After all, there’s no one else who could possibly understand…

…Except maybe there is.

He’s about to ask how long he’s been asleep, or what time it is, or whether anyone has found Ken yet when the door opens and the man walks in, chasing the memory of that last day in the other place from his mind.

Takeru corrects himself—it’s _Gennai_ , somehow, not “the man”—but it’s hard to think of him as anything else. Hard to see him with eyes other than Cottage-Takeru’s, filled with frustration and anticipated discomfort.

“Hello, Takeru,” Gennai says. “It’s good to see you again, and under improved circumstances this time.”

Takeru’s not really sure the circumstances _have_ improved, but talking is hard work, and despite the fact he’s only just woken up he feels too tired to reply. Besides, everyone else seems to think it’s a good thing, so who is he to correct them? After everything he’s done, all the trouble he’s put them through, does he have the right to complain? Part of him is still waiting for them to get angry, to tell him that he’s not welcome any more. Part of him _wants_ to be unwelcome, and pushed away, so that he has an excuse to return to the other place, where he can start to work through his guilt in peace.

Yamato has lifted his head and turned around, and Takeru can feel the arms holding him upright start to loosen their grip. He falls forward, slumping against his brother, and Yamato flinches, before gripping him tightly and trying to prop him up once more.

“What’s wrong?” he cries. “Takeru, are you alright?”

“He is _fine_ , Yamato,” Gennai says. “But you must understand that it’s been a long time since he’s moved about, so his body is bound to be weaker than usual. It will likely be quite a while before he fully regains his former strength. Indeed, I hadn’t expected to see him upright at all just yet. I’m surprised he managed it.”

“I didn’t,” Takeru mutters. “I…I tried, but my arms…they’re too weak. It was Yamato.”

He feels out of breath just from _talking_ , and his voice is hoarse and wrong. But while he can feel Yamato flinch once more, Gennai doesn’t seem surprised at all. Patamon lands beside him, and nudges his arm.

“You’ll get stronger soon, Takeru,” his partner says. “I know you will.”

Takeru looks down at Patamon and tries to smile, but even that is suddenly difficult. Exhaustion is washing over him in waves, and he yawns.

“I hope so,” he mumbles, feeling the words slur a little. There’s one good thing about the tiredness, he thinks, leaning on his brother. The turmoil in his head is quieter, and for just a while he feels like a little kid again, eight years old and safe because Yamato is there. He’s got his brother back, tall and reassuring, and he closes his eyes, letting his weariness wash all the chaos from his mind.

And as his exhaustion grows—much as he’s dimly aware that he’s probably being selfish—he lets the part of him which is still eight years old take over, and comforts himself with the fact he can fall asleep, safe in his brother’s arms.

 

* * *

 

Takeru opens his eyes to find himself lying down again, with a warm presence by his head which is probably Patamon.

He doesn’t really feel any different, but he tries to sit up regardless, straining to make his body _work_. Belatedly he realises someone is holding his hand, and looks down to see that Yamato has brought the chair to his bedside and fallen asleep there, head slumped forward onto the bed.

His brother is stirring, woken by the movement. The moment his eyes open to see Takeru watching him, he flinches and sits upright.

“Are you okay Takeru?” Yamato asks, but the expression on his brother’s face is one of fear and concern, and suddenly Takeru is high in the air, laughing as his brother stares at him, aghast.

The vision is gone as quickly as it arrived, leaving Takeru feeling sick. He doesn’t want this. Doesn’t want these memories. Doesn’t want it to have all been real, but it was. It _is_ , and now he has to carry on, knowing how badly his actions must have hurt his brother. He’s not eight and small; he’s older now, and he’s done things more terrible than he could have believed himself capable of.

“Takeru?”

He blinks back tears and tries to meet Yamato’s eyes, but the shame is too great. Memories are replaying in his mind, each one worse than the last.

“I’m a monster,” he sobs.

And then there’s a scraping sound as Yamato pushes the chair back and stands, leaning over and pulling him into another fierce hug.

“No you’re _not_ ,” his brother says firmly. “You’re the furthest thing from a monster there is. It…that wasn’t _you_ , Takeru. Everyone knows that. No one’s holding you responsible for any of what happened. We just want you to get _well_ again. So no more blaming yourself, okay?”

Takeru nods miserably, but his heart isn’t in the pretence, not even for Yamato’s sake. How can he excuse himself when he can still remember how it felt to laugh while he enslaved hundreds of digimon, and while Devimon flew through the air, terrorising anyone in his path? The memories won’t go away, and they press upon him from all angles, crowding his thoughts. It’s like a nightmare, except he’s awake already so there’s no escaping it. No freedom from a past which condemns him.

He feels sick; a deep, clawing nausea which makes him shudder, and close his eyes tightly to try and stop himself crying. How can he carry on after everything he’s done? He clings to his brother as the tears start, and Yamato tries in vain to comfort him because they just go on and on, until exhaustion starts to crowd him once more.

He falls asleep in his brother’s arms for a second time—still sobbing into his shoulder—to the sound of Yamato hoarsely telling him over and over again that it will all be okay.

 

* * *

 

When he wakes once more Yamato is sat in the chair again, this time nearer his head. He smiles warily at Takeru, leaning forward a little.

“How are you feeling?” Yamato asks quietly.

There are too many ways he could answer that question badly, so Takeru settles for the one which he hopes will make his brother smile again.

“Hungry,” he admits.

It works. The corner of Yamato’s mouth twitches.

“Glad to hear it,” his brother says, sounding more like his normal self than he has since before this nightmare began. “You think you can manage to eat something? Gennai reckoned soup would be best to start with.”

Takeru nods, although he has no idea if he really _can_ manage, and Yamato pats his shoulder before getting to his feet.

“I’ll be right back, okay? If you need anything, get Patamon to come find me.”

He nods again, although he as absolutely no intention of sending Patamon anywhere. The thought of being all by himself in the room fills him with a quiet horror. The last time he was alone, his memory came back, and there are still enough gaps in it left that he doesn’t want to risk a repeat. Who knows what he might remember next time? It’s bad enough already without adding more to his list of crimes.

And it turns out that he _can’t_ eat, either. Or at least, even after Yamato helps prop him up in the bed against a mound of pillows, he can’t manage to hold and lift a spoon. He stares down at the bowl, feeling utterly defeated, and sighs. Not normal. He’s not normal. He’s back in his body, but everything is wrong, and awful, and the part of him he recognises as Cottage-Takeru just wants to go back to a place where he never had to worry about anything like this.

But he can’t. It would just be running away, after all, and with everything he’s put the others through, what right does he have to do that?

So when, a minute or so later, Yamato asks him if he wants some help, all he can do is nod. Nod and allow his brother to look after him, and try not to feel even _more_ guilt when after a few mouthfuls he has to admit that he’s full.

“I’ll go get rid of this then,” Yamato says, frowning with obvious concern. “I’ll be right back, okay?”

Takeru nods yet again, but the weariness which has plagued him since his awakening pulls him back into slumber before his brother returns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I'm back! It feels good to be sort-of up to date with my posting schedule. After _way_ too long, Metanoia and Hope's Fire have both gotten new chapters within a week of each other, and I'm partway through the next Equanimity chapter, too. 
> 
> As for _this_ chapter...I'm sorry. All this time, and it's an angst-fest. I swear, it wasn't intentional. And I promise it won't be months until the next update, so there is that? 
> 
> Anyway, thank you so much to everyone for being so patient with me while I got side-tracked writing Renascent. I'm looking forward to moving on with this story now (although my updates might skew over to Equanimity for a bit until it catches up), and working my way to the actual end!


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